So, it's common knowledge that there's a reason why work is called "work". I know people like you to call it a "career" but if you're doing something you hate, it's not that-- it's always just going to be "work". I'm "working" my ass off this week. Working in retail is TERRIBLE-- especially the week after Christmas. People are stupid.
I think you guys have it all wrong when it comes to gift-buying. Yes, jewelry is nice and usually appreciated, but it also tends to be generic and ill-thought out. You just go to the store, and buy whatever is the price you want to spend--you probably aren't noticing whether you're buying gold, white gold, silver, sterling silver, etc. There is a difference. Trust me. Let me give you some advice. Personally, as a girl myself, I've always liked spa gift certificates-- you know, manicures, pedicures, facials, massages, girly shit. Trust me, girls like gift certificates. If your wife/fiancee/girlfriend/mother/sister says she doesn't, she's a bitch and you'll never be able to please her anyway so why try. Girls like shopping and if you give her a certificate to a favorite store of hers (which shouldn't be that hard to figure out-- look at a clothing tag, or an empty bag that's bound to be lying around the house) she should be very happy with you, because that means she gets to go out and spend your money. Yeah!!!
You all overthink the gift buying process. Personally, I think guys are worse to shop for. You always say "whatever you want to give me". Well that shit doesn't cut the mustard. I need ideas!!! Clothes and jewelry are NOT appropriate guys gifts unless you're married, or it's something for your father. Wallets are WAY too generic, and gift certificates aren't good because you will lose it and/or never use it because you hate shopping. And if I get you a gift certificate for a favorite restaurant, or to the movies, or something else, you'll just take me and then I'll feel bad because basically I treated myself to half your present and to hell if I'm letting you take someone else out! In the past, I've liked giving that special guy in my life the following items: specialty beer I know he likes and tickets to concerts, sporting events, or anything else I could think of that I knew he would like (also, it doesn't hurt, I must admit, to treat myself to something from Victoria Secret's). Yes, I know I am awesome. Autographed sports paraphenalia hasn't hurt either.
Since I was single this year, probably the first time since I was 14, I had no guy to buy a gift for. And I was glad. No muss, no fuss. Little stress about what to get someone who already has everything he could ever want, or at least can't figure out what else he needs. So I'm holding onto that autographed Ozzie Smith Hall of Fame ball for another year....
Moral of the story is-- don't bitch about having problems buying a gift for a girl; think about how hard she has it!
So, it's common knowledge that there's a reason why work is called "work". I know people like you to call it a "career" but if you're doing something you hate, it's not that-- it's always just going to be "work". I'm "working" my ass off this week. Working in retail is TERRIBLE-- especially the week after Christmas. People are stupid.
Everyone knows that award shows are long, boring and drawn out. Here at BertFlex, we don't stand for all the filler material that goes into 5 hour shows, when it really could be knocked out in a half hour. So here goes the first ever "Better Luck Next Year Awards," given to five people or groups who hope that 2006 goes a little smoother than 2005.
Sports Division: Chicago Cubs
First the Red Sox break their long championship drought, then the Cubbies' cross-town rivals do it in '05. 2006 has to be the year right? Talk to any normal Cubs fan and they'll tell you that with a straight face. But when you do talk to them, be ready for a barrage of "If's" and "Hopefully's" or else you might get hurt.
Runner up (tie): Joe Vitt and Quin Snyder
Get used to this website: monster.com. You'll need it.
Hollywood Division: Jennifer Aniston
We were all sorry to hear that your marriage to Mr. Pitt went down the drain. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and you are still an attractive woman. The good news is that all women are on your side: What Brad did was wrong! However, the bad news is that you found out what the word "Upgrade" means, first hand. Every man in America (all 145 million of us) gave Brad the thumbs up to move on to Angelina. Ladies, you have a lot of jerks for friends.
fun fact: this is one of 108,000 images on google search
Runner up: Television Programmers
Man you guys did a lot of sucking this year. Reality Shows, Sitcoms, Dramas--nothing was left out. You covered all the bases of sucking. Even ESPN, the king of sports networks, sucked too! At least Neil Patrick Harris is thankful that you brought him back. Too bad he's the only one...
Social Life Division: The Guy Who Went To Banana Joe's With The Panther's Cheerleaders
The words he'll regret for the rest of his life: "Yeah you two go to the bathroom, put your make-up on, whatever...and I'll buy us some more drinks."
Runner up: Prince Harry
This was one of those "Wait...WHAT did he do??" moments. Maybe run some other ideas by your costume designer next time Harry.
"Ah, left me bloody mustache at home..."
Business Division: Budweiser
Now I'm not going to criticize Budweiser for their beer--that would be sacrilegious here in St. Louis. No, I am going to point out that nearly all of their 2005 commercials were awful. Was it a change in ad agencies? A change in philosophy (from "hilarious" to "head-scratchingly bad")? It will remain a mystery until we see less of AAB #4, and more funny thrown into their commercials. They have a shot to redeem themselves at Super Bowl XL (pronounced "Ex-L") on February 5th.
Runner up: Free Radio
Howard Stern is gone, so who does he get replaced with? David Lee Roth?! Luckily we don't have to listen to him, instead the Point will replace Howard with Cleveland-based Rover in the mornings. Even worse, ancient radio hosts Steve & DC are back, this time on 101.1 the River beginning in January. Is it too late to make a petition for the "Big Sandwich Wacky Morning Show?"
Sandwich & Ronnie McDizzle in the Morning?
Everything Else Division: The World
There was a bunch of bad stuff that happened this year. Tsunamis, hurricanes, wars, scandals, Jose Canseco's book followed by Jessica Canseco's book/Playboy layout, and worst of all: The sudden halt of Chappelle's Show. Should we take a page out of Cub's Fan's book and say "maybe next year?" I hope it will be better; on the other hand how could it be worse? Burger King taking away Meat-normous sandwiches? We'll chalk this one up as an "off year," and hope to do better in '06.
Luckily you'll have this blog to help you through all the bad times. Be ready for more entertaining columns from our staff in the New Year, as well as more degenerate gambling, boozing, and parrot-stealing behavior--all documented for the enjoyment of our 6 readers spread throughout the country!
In case you haven't heard, former reliever Jeff Reardon was arrested for armed robbery of a jewelry store. That's right, the same Jeff Reardon who closed for Boston, Minnesota and the Mets held up a Hamilton Jewelry for $170. According to accounts, he was later apprehended at a P.F. Chang's Chinese Resturant, which I can totally understand because when I need some Chinese food, I always hold up jewelry stores.
In a late entry for understatement of the year, Bert Blyleven said "It's very uncharacteristic of Jeff Reardon to do what he did.'' Hey Bert, no shit. If it was characteristic for any of the guys you played with to go around jacking jewelry stores, you'd have played for Florida State.
Thanks to my connections at the Palm Beach Police Department, I've obtained the security video of the robbery and will now post the transcript of how it all went down:
Jeff Reardon: That's some mighty fine jewelry you got there, um hmm.
Clerk: Sorry buddy, the cleaning crew isn't allowed in the store until after we close. You'll have to wait another hour.
JR: I ain't waitin' fo' nuthin. Gimme some money. I got a fever, and the only prescription is more Chinese food!
Clerk: Let's see, this is a jewelry store. I don't know what you could steal from here that's worth anything. I've got about $10,000 in the cash register. I'll give you $170 of it if you go away.
JR: You got yourself a god-damn deal. I'm Jeff Reardon, bitch!
At this point, Reardon somehow resists the urge to stop by the Waffle House and sets up shop in the P.F. Chang's. He barricades himself inside, between the Mushu Pork and the General Tso's Chicken, awaiting the inevitable onslaught of police and attack dogs to come after the stolen $170. When one officer comes in and asks him for the money back, Reardon surrenders, but only if he can have some egg rolls to go.
the following quote was said by justin between the hour of 7pm and 8pm:
"I've got a good buzz going...let's go get some food, &$#@*!!!"
the following drink was guzzled multiple times by justin between the hours of 8pm and 11pm (conservative estimates):
the following picture was taken between the hour of 9pm and 10pm:
justin (the one holding the beer) pointing out tony's college bowl pick'em failure
the following picture was taken between 10pm and 11pm:
"Santa? Santa's my dogg."
the following phrase was blurted out by justin on the way to the parking lot between 11pm and 11:05pm:
"SHUT UP BITCH!" (directed to anyone who was listening)
the following picture was taken between 11:05pm and 11:15pm:
(exhibit A shows a plastic parrot that justin stole off the trunk of someone's car. don't ask.)
MORE PICTURES TO COME...
I'm spending this afternoon lounging on the couch, fighting a massive food hangover from Christmas. I'm way too lazy to unwrap any of my new DVD's, so I find myself channel surfing. I stumble upon AMC (American Movie Classics) and I do a double-take because somebody has dropped the ball, or puck in this case. AMC is usually on point with great movies, most recently they have played Dazed and Confused, and I love their horror movie marathons at Halloween time. Today they are showing Slap Shot 2................. let that sink in. Not the original Slap Shot with Paul Newman, which is a classic, but Slap Shot 2 starring Stephen Baldwin. This should be an automatic red flag for the people at AMC; any movie starring Stephen Baldwin shouldn't even be let into the building, let alone played on-air and deemed a CLASSIC. This deeply offends me because I am a huge fan of the original. Who can forget the Hanson brothers standing at the redline completely bloody from a pre-game melee with the other team, Ogie Ogilthorpe, and more use of the F-word than any other sports movie in history. If your cable channel is named American Movie Classics you have to have a standard; by playing Slap Shot 2 they have opened the floodgates for other sub-par sports movies including: Caddyshack 2, Space Jam, and we can't leave out D3: The Mighty Ducks. Like I said before, AMC is usually on point with good movies so I'm not going to completely write them off yet, but I have given them a new moniker -AMC, putting the "ass" in classics.
For centuries, this statement has been proven true on countless occasions: Guys suck at buying presents for their better half. It is like an annual ritual come December 25th--guy watches girl open up her gift (which was sloppily wrapped probably 3 hours ago), girl sees gift, cringes, and fakes a smile, followed by a confused "thank you?" Works like a charm every year.
The problem is that men and women obviously don't think alike. It is easier for a woman to find a perfect gift for their man because we are so easy to please. You buy us food--awesome. Something from Best Buy--double awesome. Something from Victoria's Secret? I know I'll never be the one wearing it, but 2 words describe that gift: Jack, pot.
But when we go out and buy something for the ladies, it's a different story. We have to put ourselves in her shoes for a moment and think about what would be a wonderful gift to receive under the Christmas tree. It's not an easy thing to do. An Albert Pujols jersey sounds like a cool gift to us, but not for them. I will say for the guys, we're trying to get smarter about it. Every year, we're progressing and all the credit in the world goes to the Internet.
Whenever December rolls around and you're checking out normal sites like msn.com or yahoo.com, you see the generic picture of a girl holding a wrapped present with a huge smile on her face. And the caption reads: "Top Gifts for Her this Holiday Season!"
Thank you Internet, we no longer have to do the thinking in the male/computer relationship. Way to be a team player!
So in an effort to finally get it right this year, we click on that link to see what the best presents are to get our lady this year. However, the results are very disappointing. Here is a quick look at some of the top gifts that msn.com says we should be buying:
And while there are some better gifts on here, let's move somewhere else because Bill Gates probably had a hand in that list anyway...onto yahoo.com.
Hey it looks like Yahoo made it even easier for us to find a gift for that special lady. They break down their "Gifts For Her" page into 6 different age groups. So far so good. Step 3 says to pick the relationship (My Wife, My Girlfriend, My daughter, My Mother, etc.). Okay now what do I get them?? Oh wait, step 4 says to pick their lifestyle (options include: Eclectic, Homebody/Foodie, Modernist, and Urban Hipster, among 13 other categories).
Crap, now I have to get out my Marketing Studies book from college to see what all those terms mean, hold on...
For the heck of it, I click on Urban Hipster. And the results are very disappointing. iPods, more handbags, a coffee maker?
Back to the drawing board. The Internet has failed me for the first time ever. At this point, guys think: "Do I dare make a trip out to the mall? Yes, but I've got to go incognito, I don't want anyone knowing about this adventure."
I will say one thing about the eventual "trip to the mall." It's never a good sign when you walk in to do Christmas shopping for her, but the first store you visit is the video game shop. Male Thought Process: She doesn't have this version of Madden. If she doesn't want it, I would gladly take it off her hands. No one wants to return a gift during this time of the year.
Kind of like when Homer bought Marge a bowling ball for her birthday with the name "Homer" engraved on it, in case she didn't like it.
So you finish up the trip to the mall, and hopefully you didn't overpay for some gaudy jewelry that she'll never wear or buy the $8 perfume gift set from Famous-Barr. The only thing left to do is to break out the gift wrap and put your purchase under the tree.
I'd like to finish up by saying good luck to the guys out there. Hopefully that gift is not a) you're death wish and b) the precursor to the "make up" gift that you'll have to buy her on December 26th.
And to the ladies, bear with us. One of these days we'll get it right. In the meantime, enjoy your new vacuum cleaner honey!
Hoover WindTunnel Turbo Bagless Upright Vacuum
Sidney Ponson has just signed a one year deal with the Cardinals today. Is it a coincidence that St. Louis is the world headquarters of Anheuser-Busch. Welcome to the midwest, Dr. DUI!!!!!
Reporter- Sidney now that you've signed with the Cardinals what are you going to do?
Ponson- Where's the goddam brewery!
So I cheated and started writing this early, saving it as a draft until Tuesday. Hopefully none of you read it while it was sitting there, but if you did it's OK. Since it's finals week, and I'm stressed out (yet still I'm procrastinating even further by sitting at my computer writing my damn blog instead of studying!) I decided to clean out my yahoo email account (which by the way has been in use since some of you were wearing diapers!). Am I ever glad I did it! Since I don't have much else to write about this week, and in the spirit of getting through the winter without slow-pitch softball, I give you...
K Ya by STRIKE-OUTkast
Josh Lohnes don't mess around
You know he gonna try
to get on base some how....
But does he really wanna
Stand at tha plate and just
Take ball four....
Ya might try to put the ball in play
Because it's slow pitch softball and it ain't real hard....
They gave you a 2-2 count
Cause they wanted the game
To just move along......
You think he walked you
Ohh, you think he walked you
But you just walkin' to the bench
After gettin' rung up!
I'm really mad,
Ohh, I'm really mad
That I wasn't there to see it and to give you some crap!
If what they say is "No one walks but the mailman"
Then what makes, Then what makes, Then what makes
Then what makes, Then what makes you take?
So why you, why you
Why you, why you, why you blame it on Dorie
When you know you just got punched out ..
Alright now fellas, (YEAH!)
Now what's cooler than bein' cool?
(FRO-ZEN!) I can't hear ya'
I say what's cooler than bein' cool?
Alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, Ok now Josh (YEAH!)
We gonna break this down for you in just a few seconds
Don't let me see you take another called strike this season
I wanna see you on yo' most offensive behavior
You ain't got nothin', how 'bout them strikeouts!?
Take it, take, take, take it (UH OH)
Take it like Josh the leadoff hitter,
You got to take it (UH OH), take it,
Take it like Josh the leadoff hitter
Come on now take it (UH OH)
Damn... that's some funny shit! (This is a few years old, especially obvious w/ the reference to porno Mike, but I don't think Josh will ever live this down, especially since the email is now in the "Emails to Save" folder in my account).
So this reminded me to check out the UMSL Rec Sports page. They still have some pictures up from last year's softball tourney where we had to play on the grass by Mark Twain. Check us out waiting to play-- WTF!!! And apparently that's where they held the whole tournament this fall. Talk about going a program going downhill...
Mark your calendars for the weekend of February 16th-19th-- it's my return to the 'Lou (for 3 short days!) Is there a trivia night we can go to?!?!
I hate to be un-PC, but MERRY CHRISTMAS! I promise my post will be better next week ;-) I'm getting really riled up about the whole Dan Kolb situation up here, but for now I really do need to go write about the political future of Tunisia. I can summarize my findings in a few words-- Be glad you don't live there. Peace.
Santa Claus is comin to town this weekend, and since me and the fat-man in red are good pals he has given me a peek of what some of our favorite sports personalities are putting on their christmas lists. Enjoy!
Mark Mangino - Head Coach of Kansas Univ. Football
I would like some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Haagen-Dasz ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make s'mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. I need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons.
Terrell Owens - currently in-active wide receiver of the Eagles
I would like to have my own cable channel and call it "24/7 T.O." I don't think the world truly understands how much better at football I am than everyone else. I want everyone to know how underpaid I am, and that football would not exsist without me in it. I would host my own talk show, where I would interview myself, and as for commercials I would advertise my Terrell Owens clothing line that I would, of course, be wearing at all times. Once in a while I will invite Donovan McNabb just to tell him how shitty he is, and at the top of every hour we will watch some of my great touchdown celebrations. Enclosed is an autographed picture of myself.
Michael Irvin - former NFL wide-out, current football analyst on ESPN
Dear Pookie, I mean Santa,
Could you create some more colors, I'M SERIOUS! My suits are not flamboyant enough for this world. I gots to express myself and show everybody how Michael Irvin gets down GODDAMMIT! Younowha'amsayin'? Also I have a friend who likes to smoke the rock, not me, a friend. The PoPo found my, I mean, my friends pipe in my car. If you could make my, I mean his, problems with that situation go away he promises to never have hooker-and-blow parties in the ESPN commissary again. How bout them Cowboys!
Julio Franco - first baseman for the Mets, older than dirt
Hey main, jus wan to say than you for the early creesmas present. The Mets actually offered me 2 year to play for dem. I haf only heet 170 homerun while being in the major league, maybe you could geev me one more good year so I could get to 2 hunred. Also would you plees make my head stop getting bigger, Omar has to order special helmet to fit. Feliz Navidad!
I was told if I didn't post something soon, I'd get my @$$ kicked, so here we are!
So yeah, wrestling sucks. I didn't always think that, but my eyes were opened a few years ago when the biggest wrestling show in the world, RAW, told the story of Kane and his late-girlfriend, Katie Vick.
What? You thought wrestling was supposed to be about two wrestlers pretending to fight? You idiot! It's about character development and turmoil and life struggles like screwing your dead girlfriend.
Oh yeah, did I mention the story of Kane and Katie Vick involved necrophelia? Well it did, and it all climaxed with then-champion Triple H dressing up like Kane and humping a dead chick in a coffin.
But that was years ago now. And it's not even why wrestling sucks. It's just an example of wrestling sucking.
No, wrestling sucks for one reason now and one reason only. WCW and ECW are gone. For the last few years of it's existence, WCW was terrible. And ECW limped along with a shrinking talent roster, lower ratings, no network support, and a truckload of other problems. But the mere existence of those shows forced Vince McMahon's RAW to be good. After all, if it were just as bad as WCW's Nitro, what was to stop anyone from changing the channel?
It's obvious that ol' Vinnie Mac knows this, and he knows WE know this. So he created a "brand extension" where his two main shows, SmackDown and RAW, have seperate rosters and behave like seperate entites in an attempt to simulate two seperate brands. The problem is, they're both the same, and they both suck.
In a way, it's ironic. Vinnie's struggle to defeat his competition is what ultimately resulted in his downfall. Everything he accused WCW of doing wrong, his company does now. The sad thing is that the one group of good guys in the old Ratings War, ECW, was the first to fold. Now all that remains is the goliath of sucktitude that is WWE.
Oh, and RAW's current Marshall Mathers champion doesn't help matters either. Seriously, take one look at the guy and tell me you don't want to smack him in the face with a 2 x 4.
|What is going on in this video? Click here for bad dudes. Truly beautiful.|
1/2 of the rude comments crew (along w/ my partner Big Sandwich)
EDITOR'S NOTE: Photos from this world-class drinking extravaganza can be found here. One example of the 24 great pictures can be found on the right. Josh, among others, got absolutely demolished and was almost forced to get the "Faded Dude" tatoo, although the "H8N and Deb8N" might be slightly more appropriate. There are many great stories from this night, but the best might be the "Faggy Jacket Holding" incident. Dubs all around.
I posed this question earlier in the week to a couple of my esteemed colleagues who write on this board: Since when did Al Hrabosky become the coolest guy in the city of St. Louis? More specifically--how did the bar he owns and operates downtown turn into the hangout for people age 21-29?
I admit that I'm not a frequent visitor to bars downtown, but have they all become so bad and outdated that Al Hrabosky's is the #1 place to get lit up after a ballgame or concert these days? Can I remind you kids that this is the guy we're talking about:
I'll bash this ball good...
Yeah that's right, we're talking about the guy in the AutoTire commercials sporting the gray mullet. Also he has made a few appearances on Mad TV doing his Kenny Rogers impersonation:
This is a picture of Al without the makeup on, but I honestly cannot tell a difference...
We probably should have seen this coming. Ex-athletes open bars and restaurants all the time and a lot of them succeed. Bull's BBQ in Citizen's Bank Park is run by Greg Luzinski, and that idea was stolen from Boog's BBQ stand at Camden Yards--where Boog Powell sits back and gets fatter 81 days out of the year. But everyone should be aware that this idea may have originated from former wrestler Abdullah the Butcher. In the late 90's he opened Abdullah the Butcher's House of Ribs and Chinese Food (I am not making that up). It is located in Atlanta, GA.
Ozzie Smith has a popular restaurant in St. Louis, which is understandable. But Al Hrabosky? The Mad Hungarian? This is very puzzling to me, but I will give the place credit. They were the official bar of the Cardinals' 2005 playoff run. I'm sure business was booming very well for them all season, especially October. They've been able to carry that momentum into the winter sports--even though the Rams, Blues, Steamers, and Billikens play like crap, Hrabosky's will ease your pain by offering cheap beer to forget about having so many bad teams in one metropolitan area.
And most recently I heard that it was a big hangout after the U2 concert earlier this week.
So what's the point of all this? I think we need to pay Al Hrabosky's Ballpark Saloon a visit. Is it really all that it's cracked up to be? Can it live up to the hype? Will Tony get shunned by another waitress? And most importantly, I need to know how many girls per night Al hits on while schmoozing with his female customers?
There are four in this picture, including our very own Ann Bremer. Imagine what he could do with about 7 tall boys of Busch in his system. It would be like 1975 all over again!
"Girls, let me tell ya something...
I'm kind of a big deal.
People know me."
Here is where you can find explanations for some of the goofy crap we say and why we think it's funny. There's obviously a lot of inside jokes on this page so this will help the uninitiated understand.
Bert Flex: nickname for Albert Pujols. the media has tried to give him a nickname and have come up with such excellent ideas as Phat Albert, Albert the Great, etc. In our humble opinion, these all suck. So we created the best nickname ever: Bert Flex.
Marshall McDougal (right): The greatest college second baseman ever because of one game. On May 9th, 1999 FSU 2B McDougal went 7-for-7 with 6HRs and 16 RBI against Maryland. He finished the day with a single, a solo homerun, a 2-run homerun, three 3-run homeruns, and a grand slam. Why did Maryland pitch to him after the 5th one?
Wendell Clark: the all-time MVP of video game hockey. No matter what game you're playing, you want the team with Wendell Clark. This fact has been proven over and over on the Sega Genesis and Sony Playstation.
Brad Lohaus: the Wendell Clark of NBA Jam. When the game came out for Sega, nobody wanted to be the Milwaukee Bucks because of the terrible players on the team, Blue Edwards and Lohaus. Once someone decided to play with the Bucks, we quickly discovered that Brad Lohaus was the single biggest offensive threat in the game. He would rain threes on you like what. We eventually had to forbid people from using the Bucks because they were too dominant if you just let Lohaus shoot a three every time down the court. Interesting notes about his NBA career: 36% 3pt career, 44% from the floor career.
The Pellegrino Curse: I have a unique ability that many of the people who post on this site have witnessed. If I talk trash on a player I hate, he will inevitably blow up in my face. The most memorable instance of this was when a few of us had tickets to the Blues-Flyers game on 1/8/01. I made it a point to repeatedly tell Keith Primeau that he wasn't a good hockey player... every shift. He scored both goals in a Blues 2-1 OT loss. I am also responsible for Chad Curtis' 2 HR game in the 1999 World Series. White Sox C Ben Davis homered on the next pitch after I called him "Mike Matheny without the power." This list could go on a while, but it is definitely an observable phenomenon.
Charles Schwab Sharpe/Sehorn Commerical: possibly the best commercial of all time. Shannon Sharpe talkin' trash to Sehorn featuring such great lines as "Sehorn! You don't know your elbows from your asshole!", "You couldn't tackle me in a phone booth" (which might be hard to do anyway), "You can't even spell Dow Jones", "Do you know how to calculate a P/E ratio?" and "Your mama pays full commission!" Classic. If you don't enjoy this commercial, you probably won't find this site funny either.
Blake Stepp (right, towel should be over his face): His name is synonymous with abject failure. In the 2004 NCAA tournament pool, I had taken Gonzaga to win it all based on the All-American season Blake Stepp was having. As I learned that day, NEVER TRUST WHITEY! In the second round against Nevada, he shoots 3-of-18 from the floor including 1-of-12 from 3. The Zags got demolished by 19 points, causing a complete and utter mental breakdown by yours truly. I calmly suggested to Mr. Stepp that he continue shooting the ball since he was obviously having the best shooting day of his life. Sadly, he listened to my advice and shot me and his team right out of the tournament. This, combined with Stanford's loss earlier in the day, meant that both of the teams I had selected for the championship game had been eliminated on the first saturday of the tournament. This led to the ceremonial burning of my bracket on York's porch. It was a beautiful thing.
After the Red Sox announced they will go with co-GM's, the Yankees are considering a three man rotation in the GM office--Brian Cashman, Derek Jeter, and Dennis Miller.
Miller, the infamous "3rd man" on Monday Night Football four years ago, could be given a second chance to redeem himself by making trades and free agent signings for the most storied franchise in baseball history.
Instead of letting him comment on this decision, we asked him to comment on a previous quote that he made (found via google search):
"In the elaborate wardrobe of human emotions, guilt is the itchy wool turtleneck that's three sizes too small. Guilt may be difficult to articulate, but when it surfaces, it's as unwelcome and distinct as Jethro Bodine in the lobby of an Ian Shraeger hotel."
He had no comment on that comment. Neither do we.
Hi boys! Oh great, you're probably all thinking... Shauny let a GIRL join our blog?!?! Damn him! Suprisingly, I actually know enough about sports to be dangerous (although my showing in our fantasy leagues hasn't done me justice this year!) and I like to watch the Sklar brothers just as much York (or maybe more, because I have a bit of a school-girl crush on Randy!).
But whether you like it or not, I'm going to be the resident Wisconsin reporter for our lovely little site. Not that any of you really care whether or not the Packers are throwing this season in order to get their hands on Reggie Bush, how badly the Auburn train is going to bowl over the Badgers on January 2nd, or how our version of SEMO (UW-Whitewater) is in the semis of NCAA Division III football today. Nope, I know you don't care. And guess what! I don't care that you don't care! But I'm going to interject whenever I feel like it, because I'm a student again and I need an outlet for procrastination that MySpace and Facebook can't give me. At least there's some sort of creative release involved in this. I just wish I was as funny as you fools.
After living in St. Louis for 6 years, it's hard for me not to live in a baseball-oriented town since it rapidly became my favorite sport to watch. So I wanted to comment on 2 recent baseball moves. The first was Edgar "ErroR"enteria's speedy departure from the Red Sox. They wanted to get rid of him so badly they're going to continue paying for more than a third of his contract while he's on the Braves, and even more if they don't keep him after his current contract is up. Yeesh. The Braves are probably wondering what they ever did to the Yankees for the Red Sox to be so nice to them, because I agree than Renteria had an off-year and will hopefully be back up to decent form in 2006.
Secondly, also involving the Braves, was the Brewer's retarded desire to get Danny Kolb back. Granted, they gave Atlanta the equally-bad Wes Obermueller, but come on. You may remember Danny Kolb as the stud closer for the Crew in 2004. He demanded a bunch of money and got shipped off to the Braves at the end of the season. In 2005, he lost his job as closer after throwing only 16 2/3 innings. He just plain sucked the whole year. I know Obermueller wasn't much better, but he makes 10% of what Kolb demands and the Crew needs a lot of different things with their limited payroll--Kolb is DEFINITELY not one of them.
One final note while we're rooting for the Longhorns against USC (and incidentally, Duke right now!) Chris is finally graduating next weekend. It's been a long 6 years... Hook 'em horns!
I'm OUT from the 608...
I've always remembered a particular insignificant moment in wrestling history--a Monday Nitro interview between Mean Gene Okerlund and Diamond Dallas Page. Page was going up against WCW Champion Goldberg at the upcoming pay per view (yes, this was during the era that I refer to as "when wrestling was cool"). Mean Gene was talking to DDP about the match when he blurted this out of his mouth: "I just got off the phone with the oddsmakers in Vegas, and they say that you are a HUGE underdog in this matchup against Goldberg! What do you have to say about that, DDP?" Anyone's first reaction at the time might have been, 'well no kidding he's a huge underdog, what a dumb question.' But then you play that back in your head and think: 'Did Mean Gene just say he talked to Las Vegas oddsmakers about odds on pro wrestling???'
Yes he did, and now some 6 or 7 years later I come to find out that those guys do exist. They put out betting odds about everything--including what chances the writers of this webpage have hooking up with Jessica Simpson now that she is single. Technically all these guys had a chance while she was married, but over the last month the odds have become significantly better.
Here is some brief background information of each writer, along with their respective odds, brought to you by the "Too Much Time on our Hands Gaming Commission of Las Vegas."
Current Status: Married, Fantasy Football Fan, Big Loser
Previous Relationships: Bad
What He Has Going For Him: Lives in Jessica's hometown state of Texas, accountant, can head fake her until the cows come home...and until he scores with her.
Hurts His Chances: Invented the Peyton Manning haircut, too much doobie rolling for Jessica's taste, would rep the KU like Nick repped Cincy 24/7, and according to our sources he masturbates to ESPN Classic.
Synopsis: Doesn't look good for York. The married thing might get in the way--he'd have to be sneaky about it. And "sneaky" doesn't describe anyone on this list. Current Odds: 1 in 5 million.
Matt aka "Hollywood"
Current Status: Single, Bitter, Wrestling Fan
Previous Relationships: Screwjob
What He Has Going For Him: Bad-Ass guitar player, not a jerk like the other 5 and would treat Jessica like a Queen. Plus, she married Nick Lachey, so she's obviously got a thing for underachievers.
Hurts His Chances: Probably too dorky to hang out with Jessica, musical genre has passed him by (after attending a Story of the Year concert, Matt realized he was old and washed up). Lives in Mayfield, Kentucky and Jessica is not known to visit very often.
Synopsis: Matt doesn't do a lot of dumb things that hurts his chances, assuming you throw wrestling, cartoons, and Jason horror movies out the window. Probably not slick enough to close the deal--although "slick" is another word that does not describe anyone here. Current Odds: 1 in 3.5 million.
Do any of these clowns have a shot at Jessica Simpson?
Current Status: Single, Fantasy Football Fan, Pants Pooper
Previous Relationships: Trainwreck-esque
What He Has Going For Him: Worked in construction, engineer, Jessica won't have to worry about Tony getting hit on by other women--especially waitresses.
Hurts His Chances: By engineer, we mean software engineer (cue the 'WAH WAH WAHHHH' music), lots of clean up and burps to deal with, has almost all the qualifications to be "softball guy," and he owns a Derek Jeter kite.
Synopsis: Tony has failed a previous attempt at picking up a sexy available woman (see: Hooters Girl Story). Also keep in mind the "hurts his chances" list is the condensed version. But unlike most of the guys on this list, if given the one on one opportunity with Jessica, Tony is not shy and will definitely swing for the fences. Unfortunately the result would be another F-5. Current Odds: 1 in 2 million
Current Status: Single, Big Loser, Fantasy Football Fan
Previous Relationships: Non-existent, but still trainwreck-esque
What He Has Going For Him: Josh's biggest weapon is that he could debate her into having sex with him. The conversation might go like this: josh-"If you don't not have sex with me, then not the terrorists have already not won." Jessica-"...... (off come the clothes)." Also Josh likes to partake in a drink or two here and there, so getting Jessica drunk would be his second best weapon.
Hurts His Chances: Gets rowdy if he does not have his waffles, would ditch her to go to a trivia night or help someone move instead.
Synopsis: If he plays his cards right, he has a chance. But past history suggests it's not gonna happen. Josh was also a victim of the Hooters Girl incident. Plus he has some real jerks for friends. Current Odds: 1 in 1.5 million.
Current Status: Taken, Fantasy Football Fan
Previous Relationships: Borderline non-existent, but good
What He Has Going For Him: Could handle marketing and public relations for Jessica, has a "Welcome to the Gun Show" t-shirt, pop-a-shot master, and has the features of Nick Lachey (tall, dark hair, sports the 5 o'clock shadow a lot).
Hurts His Chances: Has the features of Nick Lachey, missed his current girlfriend's call while conducting a survey about this article, won't let Jessica win at anything--including a singing contest.
Synopsis: Shaun will have to rely on old school tactics to make it happen. Will the "Kennedy Charm" work on Miss Simpson without the assistance of alcohol in his system? Also his girlfriend is 1300+ miles away, so sneakiness would not be a problem, although Shaun would find a way to screw it up eventually. Current Odds: 1 in 1 million.
Current Status: Single, Fantasy Football Fan (although he's not good)
Previous Relationships: Little bit of everything
What He Has Going For Him: Works in the radio business, could play her songs in return for sexual favors. Also uses booze as weapon of seduction. Hustles little kids in the video game commonly seen in bars--Hoop Jones.
Hurts His Chances: Has a face for radio, prefers to play Kelly Clarkson songs, has multiple fart stories. Has no mercy for females who play Goldeneye against him...and it leads to black eyes instead of golden eyes, ha ha ha (sorry for the Jim Nantz line).
Synopsis: Justin also doesn't do a lot to turn away the women, although they find a way to give him the Heisman when necessary. But with his past history, combined with the drinking factor, Justin has made it to the top of this list. Current Odds: 1 in 750,000.
For my very first bertflex blog, I was going to write about something important in the world of sports. Maybe the exciting lineup of bowl games we'll get to watch later this month, or the latest NFL news. I swear it was gonna be classy...
Then Anna Benson had to open her big fucking mouth.
In case you missed it, the New York Mets are reportedly tryinf to ship pitcher Kris Benson elsewhere. One possible explanation for this is that Kris is a mediocre pitcher making more than mediorce money. I'm sure that somewhere in his 57-61 career record and 4.25 ERA there's a reason why he was offered a $22 million contract, but I can't find it. Another rumor is that the Mets, a classy organization who have never condoned bad behavior, didn't like the fact that Kris' wife Anna was negotiating a deal to be naked in the pages of Playboy. Upon hearing this particular version of the truth, the stripper-turned village idiot wasted no time responding, as the New York Daily News reported yesterday.
"We would never, ever have come to New York if they had said they were going to trade us.... I was Miss [Politically Correct] for the Mets the entire time I was there."
First of all, I can't help but wonder where she gets this "we" nonsense. The New York Mets didn't sign "we," they signed "he." And if they did sign both of you, then maybe you should blame yourself for not negotiating a no-trade-clause. Apparently being married to a baseball player hasn't given her the common sense God gives cheeze whiz, since she thinks that the Mets were going to tell Kris as he was signing his contract that he might be traded next year.
For the record this is Anna's idea of Miss Politically Correct:
-Shortly after Kris signed with the Mets, Anna announced on the Howard Stern show that, were her husband to cheat on her, she would bed everyone in the entire Mets organization (I wonder if Mo Vaughn was still on the team at that point?)
- A month later, in a interview with FHM Magazine, she admitted that baseball is boring to her and that she doesn't watch her husband pitch so much as sit in her private luxury box and get hammered.
- In June, she exclaimed to the New York Daily News: "The Mets will hate it when they hear this, but Kris would've signed sooner and not maid nearly as much if I wasn't there. He's more laid-back about ahit, saying 'what's the difference between $15m and $20m?' I'm like, 'Uh, $5m.'"
-In July, Anna was booted from her table at the World Series of Poker for profanity.
White trash at its finest, folks.
What burns my ass the most, though, is the free pass she gets because everyone thinks she's hot. Guess what...
She's not that hot. She's not Angelina Jolie- Hot or Halle Berry- Hot, which means she's not so hot that she's above an ass-whoopin'. What kind of hot is she? She's Stripper-Hot. Stripper-Hot is hotter than your girlfriend, but it also comes with party bumps. Strippers are hot because you can give them a dollar and they'll rub their boobs in your face. More importantly, they don't talk all the damn time. Unfortunately, the deal to put Anna in Playboy fell through, which means her immediate future includes very little nudity and a whole lot of talking. Until Anna personally delivers a dollar dance to every baseball fan who's had to endure her vapid rants, she needs to take some advice from Black Bush and "shutdafuckup!"