1.04.2006

I was right

It was just another crappy Ohio morning on Sunday, January 3rd. Nothing strange, nothing un-Ohioey. Until, that is, the Columbus PD put out an APB for an "African-American male, approximately 5’10", wanted for a robbery behind the Opium Lounge. Suspect should be considered armed and doughy." Police later found Maurice Clarett laying on his back outside a Jimmy John’s, chest heaving uncontrollably in a feeble attempt to catch his breath, stolen cell phone in one hand, meatball sandwich in the other. Yup, everyone’s favorite fat boy finally turned into the train wreck I said he would.
That’s right, I told you.
I’ve been wrong about a great many things in my life (for a complete list, scroll to the bottom of this post), but I called this one. You see, when Mo-Mo the monster scored the touchdown that (after some judicious use of referee fiat) would clinch THE North Thieving’ Fuckface University’s first national championship since the Johnson administration, I placed a curse on him. It was something to the effect of "Hey Maurice Clarett, I hate you, I hope you die. (Thanks, TP)" Three years later, I think its worked. Just to be sure, let’s do a little side-by-side comparison.
Me: College Degree from the third or forth best university in St. Louis.
Mo: One year at the 8th or 9th best school in the Big Ten, where he admitted that boosters were having his grades fixed. What kind of wobbly-head can’t even stomach the idea of not going to class for four years and still getting a degree?
Me: Fat, but in that Jolly ol’ St. Nick sort of way
Mo: Fat, but in that "I’m gonna be on Celebrity Fit Club" sort of way
Me: Not a felon
Mo: Felon with priors, lest we forget the incident wherein he accepted tens of thousands of dollars in illegal gifts, then lied to the cops about them getting stolen, presumably for insurance purposes. Then again, the chances that this ass clown can spell insurance are pretty slim. He’s done a great job of hedging his bets so far.
Me: lives with momma
Mo: lives with momma, but only after posting bond.
I’m gonna go ahead and say it: I have officially beaten Maurice Clarett at life. Tap out bitch!
Just to prove that I’m not a sore winner, though, here’s a list of things I got wrong, followed by the things I got right. I’ll let you guys decide.
Things I got right
Maurice Clarett
Colt 45 (that’s some tasty ass shit)
Bo Jackson (I don’t care about his busted hip. That guy graduated from Auburn with a double major in Superhero and Azzkickin’)
Tom Cruise (I knew he was crazy when I saw Vanilla Sky. Y’all just late to the party)
Being the best Mario Golfer Ever (it’s science)
Grilled Stuffed Burritos
Things I got wrong
Bud Smith
Brent Johnson
Justin Morneau (How was I to know he was gonna get beaned in the noodle?)
Roy Williams (I just assumed the astounding shittiness he displayed at Kansas would stick with him. Now we know that it is not he, but the entire state of Kansas that is shitty.)
Drinking Tequila with a raw egg
These socks I’m wearing (I mean, what’s the deal?)

P.S. does anyone else notice how much Jeff Reardon looks like George Lucas in that mugshot?

2 comments:

Dallas J. Hawk said...

You were wrong in your post. Roy Williams was not shitty at Kansas. He may not have won a national championship but he won a lot of games and dominated your shitty state of Missery. We could list the million of reasons Kansas is better then Missouri football, basketball, roads, ect. It looks like you were wrong again.

hazelwood's most wanted said...

i'm not sure where josh mentioned mizzou in his post...but i did take the liberty of looking up roy's record vs. mizzou: 19-13. Nice record, not very dominating. Unless you were talking about central and southwest mo. state, to which he is 4-0 against.

i couldn't care less about mizzou hoops or football, and i'd like to see you come up with a million reasons why kansas is better than missouri. not that i'm going to defend our state because i consider "missouruh" and st. louis two different things.