5.05.2006

Who's Shitty

Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another installment of the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report! This has quickly become an instant hit on the internet--we are your premier source for fantasy baseball opinions. Once again, Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert will check the mailbag and answer all your fantasy questions. We get thousands of questions every week, so hopefully yours will get answered. If you're lucky, Tony might call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).

In honor of the NFL Draft last weekend, this is a picture of Tony, badass fantasy expert in his three-point stance. Or maybe he just ate some Del Taco, giving a different definition of "Bad Ass." Either way it's a great picture. And by "great," I actually mean "great" this time.

True story: This picture was taken when Josh complained that Tony stole his seat. Tony's obvious response was to give Josh the seat, assuming Josh could make it through "THE GAUNTLET." Tony retained his seat while Shaun and Josh laughed. And laughed. And laughed.

Let's get to those questions...

1. (Thomas--Alton, IL) I have Reggie Sanders and Jacque Jones playing everyday in my outfield and have been in the top two spots throughout the month of April. How is this possible?

It could be worse, you could have Curt Young, Joe Borowski, Mike Lowell, Omar Vizquel, and Nomar Garciaparra and still be in the first two spots... oh wait, YOU DO. I hate you Thomas and I hate your team. It's gross, and the guys I listed combined with the guys you listed are all SHITTY. That's, let's see, 1,2,3,4,5,6, SEVEN shitty guys in your lineup and I didn't even count your bench. I firmly believe that through April, you've had the Reverse Pellegrino Curse a.k.a. the York Curse. You have a team of guys who are gross but will be great for you and will suck for everyone else. Good luck, Jerk.

2. (Big Head--Omaha) Does Bonds getting smoked in the dome, ironically in the house that Selig built, affect his assault on the big white hype (the Babe)? If he wasn’t on ‘roids his cabeza wouldn’t be so big, and in-turn, he wouldn’t have gotten hit. Again ironically, according to the USA Today, the scrub who hit him in the head was hit 23 times last year in AAA ball.

Bonds getting hit only affects the date he passes THE GREATEST BALLPLAYER OF ALL-TIME in home runs, not whether or not it happens. Right now, Bonds could have a leg amputated or get testicular cancer and he'd still get to 715 eventually. I'm amazed that Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton haven't come out demanding an apology from all white people since Kevin Frandsen, the kid who hit Bonds, was white.

Last weekend at a family gathering, my uncle asked me to name the top 3 lefhanders on the career homerun list. Sounds easy enough, right? I only immediately thought of one of them, Ruth. Bonds didn't even register in my mind. So who's third? The answer is at the bottom of the article.

3. (Josh--The Bar) I have Delmon Young on my roster in a keeper league. What do I do with him? Does he play at all this year?

This is what I would do, and I suggest that everyone who owns Young should do this.
Step 1: Move to Durham or wherever Young is serving his suspension.
Step 2: Buy like 75 baseball bats.
Step 3: Each morning when he goes to leave the house, throw a bat at him, hitting him in the chest.
Step 4: Tell Young that you didn't mean to hit him with the bat, that it was an accident.
Step 5: Apologize to your teammates, your fans, your organization and, um.. there was somebody else.. oh yeah, Young since, you know, you HIT HIM WITH A BAT.

Repeat these 5 steps daily until his suspension is up or until he goes bat-shit crazy on you. It would be the best thing you could do, for yourself and for humanity. Go forth, Josh and impose your wrath upon poor, misunderstood Delmon Young.

4. (Brett--Kiln, MS) Roger Clemens is eating up a roster spot on my bench! When is he coming back? Is he coming back?? AHH--why doesn't he make up his mind already??

PS. Madden is outside my home playing naked Twister with Sean Salisbury. Please call the police, I'm trapped.

Mr. Favre, it's good to see that you recognize what is truly important in life: whether or not Clemens is coming back. Here's the inside scoop: Clemens HAS to come back and here's why. At the $3 mil a month Houston is offering him, he could light a dollar bill on fire each second of that month and still have $350k left. I've offered him 2 to 1 on each dollar he burns if he'll star in my new reality show of him lighting that money on fire. It'll be on 24/7 for the length of the contract. Here's the catch: he has to keep up the one-per-second pace or the deal is off AND he'll have to pitch some of that time AND he can never have two bills burning at once. It will be beautiful. I'm calling it "AFTERBURNER," get it, 'cause his nickname is the Rocket and he'll be burning money. It's genius.

You brought the naked Twister game on yourself. It could be worse. Tony Siragusa could be the third man in. Ha HA! Yes I DID! It'll take a gallon of mind-bleach to get THAT image out of your head. Just hire a helicopter with your billions of dollars, or maybe a Delta Force Strike Team to take out the threat.

An final observation on the Clemens saga: it's really got to suck to have Clemens in an AL or NL only league because your fate is determined by what team he signs with.

5. (Ben--ESC CCC TCBY DTTL) What is your favorite food to eat while thinking about fantasy baseball? I have many favorites, but I'm curious about you, since you are a man who appears to like food. By the way, not many people know what all those initials stand for, but I'll let you in on the secret: "Eatin' Sno Cones," "Captain Chili Cheeseburger," "That Can't Be Yogurt," and "Don't Touch That Lobster."

Ben, that's a great question. In fact, you should write in with food related questions each week. I like to make sure that the food I'm eating in some way relates to the player or players I'm thinking about. For example, if one of the stinkin' Japs comes up, I need to have some sushi on hand. If someone asks about Mike Piazza, most people would go with the obvious pizza or pasta but I'm not most people. I'm going with bratwurst and Rocky Mountain Oysters. If you don't know why then you're no fun. Inevitably, when the conversation concerns multiple players and I can't be so specific, I go to Buffalo Wild Wings and watch the spectacular Missouri State v. Wichita State game so I can scout WSU's star outfielder Blake Hurlbutt.

Wow, for such a simple question, I sure managed to make the answer pretty offensive to just about every person alive. That's awesome.

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to shaunfanclub@hotmail.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.

Answer: Rafael Palmiero. That's gross, folks.

1 comment:

Big Head said...

TP- You have a death pool question on the way.