5.12.2006

Who's Shitty

Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another installment of the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report! This has quickly become an instant hit on the internet--we are your premier source for fantasy baseball opinions. Once again, Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert will check the mailbag and answer all your fantasy questions. We get thousands of questions every week, so hopefully yours will get answered. If you're lucky, Tony might call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).

Just like our friends at Yahoo Fantasy Sports are famous for, here is a badass picture of Tony Pellegrino, which I've titled Tony Dubs. This picture was taken hours before the Cardinals beat the Astros in game 7 of the 2004 NLCS. Roger Clemens asked Tony to put his chin down. Tony refused.



This week we cover everything from death pools to the new Madden cover. Is baseball season already this boring?

1. (Big Sandwich--Penn Station grill) I am a first year fantasy commisioner and was wondering how I get the remaining few members of the league to pony up their league fees without threatening to freeze their teams. I don't want to be a dick, but at the same time, I know the longer I wait the harder it will be to collect. The group of delinquint paying members consist of: a guy who likes waffles and debating whether his "man-love" of Jake Peavy outweighs his obsession with helping people move, a Cards fan who loves "splitting a tree" and hustling anyone with a cigarette at Madden on the PS2, and an extremely pink Cubs fan who gets his jollies off by consuming large quantities of Salisbury Steak and impressing people with his putrid flatulence. Please help me!

Locking their teams won't help. It will only get them NOT to pay you since they're already dropping in the standings while they're locked. Why pay when your team is already doomed? It may cost you a little bit, but I would throw a "Waffles, Salisbury Steak, Beer, Squares and Trees" party at your house and that should ensure that your delinquent league members show up. I mean, pick your vice, there's something there for everyone. When they get there, Shaun "The Hammer" Kennedy and I can be there to rough them up and get you your money. Seriously, who would try and mess with such bad-asses as me and "The Hammer"? For the two of us to show up, you have to have a PS2 since it is documented fact that we've played PS2 at every party we've ever been to. I'll bring MVP 2006 and it will be on. I suggest we do it after softball.

2 (Big Head--Omaha) TP, I've got a big draft coming up in a death pool. Obviously, there are some automatic picks: Gerald Ford, Muhammad Ali, Courtney Love, Red Schoendienst, Bin Laden. I'm looking for a dark horse. I called John Ritter a couple of years ago. The type I have in mind is a Jackie Chan, a Kerry Collins, a Frankie Muniz, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, or someone like that. What do you have for me? It's a 12 month 'league'.

Death pools are the greatest thing ever. I want in if your league is still taking submissions. I like your automatics, though your dark horses are VERY dark, a little too dark for me. And you have no musicians listed which is a huge talent pool to draw from (I don't count Courtney Love). I assume it's a 5 man roster, which lends itself to a roster like this: Athlete, Actor, Musician, Politician, and Rich Person. You want this kind of balance as you don't want to get too heavily invested in one demographic.

It's been a few years since we have an active athlete die and good luck hitting the random Vikings lineman who died, or Steve Olin and Tim Crews with the '90 Indians so you want to look at guys who recently retired and had a sketchy past when they played. Strawberry, Gooden, and Rose are always solid picks and I totally would have had Steve Howe on my roster last week. Here's the one athlete pick that may win you the whole thing... Nate Newton. You're welcome.

This is getting long already so I'm going to trim down the analysis and just give you a few dark horse ideas by category. The key to the dark horses is only have 1 or 2. Take safer bets with your other picks and you'll be set. Hopefully these give you some good ideas and if any of these hit for you, you owe me $5. By the way, I'm serious about you getting me a spot in your pool.
Musician: Trent Reznor, Maynard from Tool, Whitney Houston, John Mayer.
Actor: Martin Sheen, Spike Lee, Dustin Hoffman, Dave Chapelle.
Politician: Al Gore, Barrack Obama, Rick Santorum, John McCain.
Rich Person: Warren Buffet, Rupert Murdock, George Soros, Oprah.

3. (Shaun--Hazelwood) I have the D-Train, Carlos Zambrano, and King Felix struggling. Can they turn it around? I'm falling behind everyone else because of my blown up ERA and WHIP, combined with lots of L's. Where is the panic button?

The panic button is 2 doors down on the left. Just look for me. I'll be the guy hitting the Panic Button with his forehead. Here's my expert analysis of the three guys you're running out there: You didn't take Felix with the intention of trying to win this season so if he's killing you, put him on the bench for a month and smile knowing that you own him for the rest of his career.

Ka-zaam will likely settle down and he's not KILLING you. His K rate is actually up but his walks are pretty disturbing. His ERA is tolerable so keep an eye on the walks and hits. If the WHIP keeps going up, you may want to sit him down. Getting rid of him now would be a mistake, unless you want to trade him to me. Then it would be a great decision.

D-Train is going to be bad this season. He doesn't seem to concentrate as well this year since he knows he has to make one run stand up. He's not even getting K's this year either so unless you are absolutely playing for next year, you might want to see what you can get for him.


4. (Jack Bauer--LA) Tony that question last week about food reminded me that I haven't eaten in a while and I'm starving! I need some more schematics from you! Tell me if any of these guys will turn their slow starts around: Sexson, Peralta, Jimmy Edmonds. Don't make me do any more yelling!

Edmonds is one of the streakiest players in the league, so it's hard to say whether his slow start is a cold streak or the beginning of the end. He has looked awful at times this season, but has been driving in runs even though he can't buy a base hit. He has hit in 7 straight so he might be coming out of it. I'd wait until the end of May to decide whether he's one of the good guys or a terrorist.

J.Honny is coming around. He's hitting .342 this month with more walks in May than he had in April. He turns 24 at the end of the month so you've got to be prepared to stay with him through the rough streaks, even if they last a while. Remember Victor Martinez's slow start last year. Yeah, J.Honny could have that kind of second half this season.

Sexson has shown no signs of life this season at all though you won't be able to get anything good for him at this point. If you have a temporary solution on your bench or on waivers, roll with that for now and hope that Sexson has a good second half. If he still sucks in June, cut your losses.




5. (Jamie--ILL-SIDE) Yo Tony, wash the streets with some dope beats, pots and pans for your dinner plans, eat some chicken pot pie with a side of alibi. You figadeel me? Shaun Alexander is on the cover of Madden '07. What are the odds the Madden curse continues, son?






The curse is back like clockwork, hatin' like Martha Burke.
I would rather take Matt Turk; yeah I know I'm a jerk.
Shaunny-A might hit some trees or blow out both knees.
He could make like Ronny Mex and tap some hoes with herpes.
He might hold out of camp and have to repay his bonus.
Or he could skip out on the playoffs like my man Jah Slowness.
There ain't no good reason unless your roster is freezin',
I'm not even teasin', he will ruin your season.

Holy shit, I am amazed at how lame I am. I even spent like an hour at work on that. Thanks for reminding me how white I am Jamie. You're shitty.

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to shaunfanclub@hotmail.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.

2 comments:

Big Head said...

The answer is three blocks from my apartment. What is Warren Buffet's house? This dude has a huge mansion and dresses like he's homeless. I might be the 'commissioner' of the death pool, so if I am, it won't be a problem to get you in TP. Ted Kennedy is another automatic, and I might take his kid after last week. Thats 42 points! Yasser Arafat put my buddy over the edge in our last one. Death Pools are the best!

sir said...

"Tony Dubs"? Shaun I expected more out of you. I mean, I put all that time and effort into my rhymes and all I get is "Tony Dubs"? How bout "Ill-Side Mo and the Hip-Hop All-stars" or "Vinny Del Blanco" (alternately Vinny Del Taco).

I shoulda spent less time readin' and more time workin' on my jump shot.