7.14.2008

Home Run Derby Oh Eight Live-Blog

What up kids, HMW here getting pumped up for tonight's Home Run Derby. We'll be live-blogging it in a few hours, but here's your chance to get your predictions out in the open!

It doesn't even have to be about baseball; for example, feel free to give some predictions on how rowdy HMW and The Good Face (pictured - hanging out over the weekend) get during the coverage. With all that pizza and grape soda, things are bound to get out of hand. I'll say it right now - the cops will probably get called three times to settle things down.

See you soon, broskie's.

7:00 p.m. Mrs. Good Face has stolen the remote and is trying to make us watch "Friends." She's about to lose privileges. -- TGF

7:01 p.m. Oh, crap. Three Doors Down is playing. Maybe we should watch "Friends." -- TGF

7:03 p.m. Is is too late to change my prediction? Eric Young, he of "Souvenir City" fame, also thinks Pants Jerkman will win this mashfest. ... Sweet, 3DD is done. Let's start rakin'. -- TGF

7:05 Breaking news: HMW had a run-in with a hottie and took a printer off her hands. That's how we roll. But did she look as good as Erin Andrews? -- TGF

7:09 We've traded Eric Young for Rick Reilly at the BBTN set. Upgrade? - TGF

7:11 Back to HMW - I bought a printer/copier/scanner earlier tonight from an attractive young lady. Now I'm eating some Rally's (proving Librarian wrong...well, so far). Been a good day.

7:14 Sir chimes in via text: "Rick Reilly on the call? That's worse than awful. Glad the sound is off at Hooters." Nice work Sir.

7:15 Another text by Sir: "These unis are putrid too. How do you screw up black, white and gray? Pull. Over."

7:16 Okay, Sir is taking over. One more (in response to the Jeter/Erin Andrews conversation): "Erin Andrews was just impregnated by that conversation."

7:19 Finally back to the stars of the show: me and Good Face. I was in the middle of taking a screen shot of Erin Andrews, but Sir kept interrupting with his damn texts. Keep em coming Sir, but bad timing on that one.

7:21 Dan Thuggla is up, being pitched to by Mike "Leggo My" Gallego, per Chris Berman. Where's the mute button, I'm tired of this already.

7:22 First swing=bomb. Not bad.

7:23 Sir again: "There's a black dude two tables down with a hat that says 'Highly Edumacated.'"

7:26 Already had to use the seven second delay, after Uggla popped one out and groaned, "Ah Shit!"

7:27 Thuggla done at six. He's the leader in the clubhouse, according to Boomer. Thanks for letting us know, Captain Obvious.

7:28 Joe Morgan is talking about Uggla's powerful legs. He's no Brett "the Hitman" Wallace. Oh! New text from Sir, breaking it down: "Did that hit the booth? Nice show. Couple of tape measure bombs. Respect."

7:30 Grady's Lady's is up. Two HR's to start. Let's talk about his legs too.

7:31 According to the Good Face, it's like there's 20 Chris Duncans out there shagging balls.

7:32 The Lovely Erin interviews Big Papi: Evedy Gang! Evedy Gang!

7:33 Only took TGF 15 minutes to say "Shut up Joe (Morgan)!" 'Nother text from Sir: "Holy Shit - Hope you brought your glove upper deck." Grady's putting on a show, lots of tape measure shots. Six total. Tie in the clubhouse Berman!! What are we gonna dooooo!!!???

7:40 Longoria is up. TGF and I are drooling. Another text from Sir re: the commercial break, "Judging from that X-Files commercial, Gillian Anderson has not aged well."

7:44 E-Long ends with three. He says, "I was yankin' too much." Been there before brotha.

7:46 Chase Butley time. I'm passing this off to TGF, gotta concentrate.

7:47 HMW is getting his calories on with another sourdough deathfest from Rally's. You gotta eat.

7:49 The shaggin' kids (that doesn't sound right) are hanging in well against Utley's line drives. So, really, they're nothing like Chris Duncan at all. -- TGF

7:52 Five for Utley. He's my pick for fewest homers after the All-Star break. Pants is up next. ... The Jimmy Rollins/Scott Van Pelt commercial gets five thumbs up from me. Also, the MLB Network starts on January 1, 2009. So if you need me, that's where I'll be. -- TGF

7:55 Sir breaks it down: Utley not impressive, but OK for a line-drive hitter. Bold prediction time: Longoria will win one of these before he's done. He's a lumberjack. -- TGF

7:59 Text from Sir: Jamie Quirk is funsta get blasted on right herr (pitching to Pants). -- TGF

8:00 Rick Reilly's even less entertaining than we are. -- TGF

8:02 Eight from the Jerkman. Jamie Quirk did indeed get blasted. It's as if Sir has the power of prognostication. -- TGF

8:03 Big Head is working and mashing. He sez Rick Reilly looks like he could eat an apple through a fence. Hire a writer to talk? Terrwibble.

8:05 Also Big Head just saw Josh Hamilton checking his beeper.

8:09 Rick Reilly is sealing his fate for this being "Rick Reilly's only Home Run Derby appearance" after complaining about no black guys, including Pujols, Abreu, Manny, and Ortiz. Black guys...yeah. I wish we could have seen Karl Ravech's uncomfortable-ness on screen. (Edit: They even kicked EY off the BBTN set to bring in Reilly. -- TGF)

8:10 Finally - a John Kruk one-ball reference. Well done by TGF.

8:17 Peter Gammons dogging people who vote for the ASG at the ballpark, instead giving props to those of us on the Intrawebs. That's a bold strategy, Cotton. -- TGF

8:18 Text from Sir (re: Braun): His agent is throwing to him? He must not trust those evil Gentiles to pitch to him.

8:20 Jah Slowness has been on the phone with us for 15 minutes. He could be here by now. I'm calling jobber, for one night at least. -- JGF

8:21 After a slow start, Braun finishes with a very respectable seven. Good thing I traded him in the Worst Deal Ever. ... For the record, Slowness likes Canadian Bacon for the win. In fact, he's in for a dollar. That's a lot of money. -- TGF

8:24 Not only do we have HRD going, but we've got RAW during the commercial breaks. Yep, this place is swarming with chicks. -- TGF

8:30 Jeebus, Josh Hamilton. Per Joe Morgan's instructions, keep hitting 'em on the "meat swat." -- TGF

8:31 Big Sandwich sez: Josh Hamilton boompow. Sir sez: Yeah, this arm has tats! Cuz I hit 500-foot bombs and everyone should know it!

8:32 Edinson Volquez wants his title match right now! He just put the Money in the Bank briefcase on home plate. -- TGF

8:33 Controversy! A fan just pulled one over. Does that count?

8:34 Earl Hebner says nay-no. ... I said Jeffrey Maier (sp?) before Chris Berman!!1!1 -- TGF

8:35 According to Reilly, Hamilton used to go to the batting cages during his Dark Ages. So there is hope for all of us. -- TGF

8:38 IAN KINSLER SIGHTING!!! M-I-Z!!! -- TGF

8:40 Kinsler said Hamilton will be going for the black stuff soon (referring to the center field section of Jankee Stadium). My reaction: Then time for the white stuff!! That's why I am the best.

8:43 Up to 23 bombs now. Best round ever. Kids falling down in center field, beating each other up for balls. Ortiz getting booed, Jagerbombs! Jagerbombs! Jagerbombs!

8:45 I just called TGF "the Joe Morgan of this live blog."

8:45 Let's catch up w/ my text messages: 1) This is epic (sir); 2) Holy Hamilton (friend of the site K-Bo; 3) That's it, I'm starting a coke habit tomorrow (sir). Hilarious.

8:46 "The only way a black guy gets on the field is by tresspassing" -TGF said this. I'm not sure why, but that wins. Three beautiful quotes in two minutes. Good effort guys.

8:48 Hamilton is finally done with 28! Good God Almighty, somebody stop the damn match!

9:06 What we've missed in the last 18 minutes while we experienced Interwebs problems and technical difficulties: a bunch of Reggie Jackson and Rick Reilly. You're welcome. -- TGF

9:07 You know why A-Rod isn't doing the HRD, Rick Reilly? Because he heard you were going to be there. That's why I turned down the invite, too. -- TGF

9:08 You heard it here first: Josh Hamilton has RUINED the HRD. Or at least John Kruk thinks so.

9:10 Sir is watching this awesomeness at his local Hooters. We're asking for some hard-hitting Hooters analysis. We'll report back later. Although, really, watching Jerkman bat is almost like being at Hooters, he just doesn't have the shorts on. -- TGF

9:14 Rick Reilly is the worst idea ever. He said "it's a lousy night to be an atheist." Looks like we're gonna talk about Josh Hamilton for the rest of the night. Unless some Brett Favre news comes in. Then they'll cancel the Home Run Derby.

9:15 This little break (ie. watching "the other guys" bat) reminds me of a WWF house show earlier this decade. Hollywood Matt and I went to the concession stand during a crap match. The line was pretty long, so we were still waiting when the match concluded. We were like "hurry up hurry up, the next match is starting!" All of a sudden we heard the theme music "Weellll it's the Big Shoooowwww!" Ah, fuck it...never mind; take your time guys.

9:20 Sorry, playing with the site meter. We're the #2 link when you google "Rick Reilly racist home run derby" over thebiglead.com and espn.com. Mmm mmm bitch!

9:21 Big Head text: "The look on Braun's face looks like he just hopped out of a trunk after he was abducted. Wtf?" He followed that up with, "Or he was partying Josh Hamilton style circa '01 last night."

9:22 Oh hey, Hamilton is back up. Berman is complaining that Hamilton should hit with only the charity gold balls. Hey Boomer, why don't you donate money and shut the F up?

9:25 The finals! Morneau! Hamilton! Comin' up neeexxxttt!!

9:33 We had to sit through some silly Call The Shot thing. Double Fail.

9:36 Some borderline racist comments about Joe Morgan were made here. Did you know he played for the '75 Reds? They called them the Big Red Machine, did you know that?

9:39 Morneau is doing poopily. 5 bombs total. This shouldn't take long. Hamilton ought to bunt the first 7 pitches.

9:40 Sir's analysis on his Hooters trip: "Just left Hooters and the chick with the largest rack was half Asian. I've never seen that before. Waitress was solid but, shocking I know, didn't flirt with me. She was too busy chatting up the old guys with the pitchers of beer. Funniest part: at the bottom of my receipt it said 'you have been served by Whitney.' I was going to ask her if it was on."

9:41 Librarian is finally done with class. Her text: "Rally's huh? You celebrating a raise or sumpin' big time?" 2 for $4 heart attack special, baby!

9:50 Three bombs through seven outs. Drama!

9:52 Game over. Hamilton chokes. Maltliquorman wins his own dollar. I called Morneau the darkhorse earlier. I'm cool too guys! Look at me!

9:53 Big Head text: "Hamilton's final round is a bigger letdown than when I lost my virginity."

10:00 I think that's all from us now. It's time to watch the Raw main event and the celebrity softball game. All concentration should be focused towards the television right now. Hope you enjoyed our live blog. But like everyone else, we pretty much mailed it in after Hamilton's Mashion Show.

Sir wants you all to vote on what your favorite text was. Do that shit.

Good night ladies and gents.

27 comments:

The Good Face said...

Winner: Pants Jerkman
Going no-fer: Dan Uggla
Jack of the Night: Ryan Braun
Stupidest Comment of the Night: Chris Berman

I'm guaranteed to get at least one of those right.

The Good Face said...

Also, apropos of nothing: I put the "bomb" in Jagerbomb.

Mad Librarian said...

A couple easy predictions: HMW eats a QT dinner, while TGF wears something Hulk-style and refers to himself as "Eric Hashrake" at least once.

Also, I vote Josh Hamilton as most mashtastic.

sir said...

Vegas odds on the Derby from Bodog.com...

Josh Hamilton 5/2
Lance Berkman 7/2
Justin Morneau 5/1
Chase Utley 5/1
Grady Sizemore 6/1
Ryan Braun 13/2
Dan Uggla 7/1
Evan Longoria 15/2

sir said...

I'll take Pants to win it with Braun as my sleeper.

Imo's and rootbeer will rule the day for the liveblog.

Big Head said...

I'm going with Lady Grady with a "Blast Off" against Fresh Hamilton.

All of this means to put your baby momma's house on Fuggla.

Big Head said...

Rick Reilly is so bad.

Dallas J. Hawk said...

I hate Fat Berkman.

Big Head said...

I'm in the mood for a helping of Hashrake.

hazelwood's most wanted said...

Don't think it's not killing Hashrake to watch all this crushitude and not be able to take the wood into his own hands. -- TGF, posting as HMW

hazelwood's most wanted said...

Things that I love: puppies, i's dotted with hearts, Celine Dion's entire catalogue, Chris Berman, and Kevin Slaten.

Big Head said...

I imagine there's been wood in HMW's hand already today. HEEEYYY-OHHH!!

Dallas J. Hawk said...

Time for Ham Slamwitch

Dallas J. Hawk said...

straight mashin. rangers baby

Dallas J. Hawk said...

OMG! That was a blast!

Dallas J. Hawk said...

The only way Hamilton does not win is if the old guy can't get it to the plate in round 3.

Big Head said...

We need to do a Wiffle Ball Derby next time I'm home (Labor Day weekend).

hazelwood's most wanted said...

agreed and aprvd on the wiffleball derby

hazelwood's most wanted said...

i predict josh hamilton will win this. i said that about six hours ago gorilla monsoon!



-bobby the brain heenan

Mad Librarian said...

I got home from skool just in time to put on fugly sweatpants, make popcorn, and watch my Hamilton prediction come true. My life is fucking awesome.

Mad Librarian said...

I was robbed!!!11!!!

Dallas J. Hawk said...

Did that guy just call him Jason? As we all know Jason is a better name then Justin.

The Good Face said...

This is TGF again. Don't listen to HMW -- he never, at any point, called Morneau the dark horse. He is pulling a classic Heenan.

hazelwood's most wanted said...

hey, earlier i said that i was surprised berkman wasn't the favorite and that morneau should be higher (but i could see him taking an 0-fer). i figured he'd be on either end of the spectrum and i was exactly right.

exactly.

the rest of you owe maltliquorman a dolla.

hazelwood's most wanted said...

best text was from sir: "that's it, i'm starting a coke habit tomorrow."

the three quotes in the 8:45/8:46 range were tremendous.

forgot to bring up random nicknames for hamilton earlier. back in the olden days (last year), i think the best we could do was larry coke-r.

but a little while ago, i thought of the best nickname ever...

coke-y reese.

sir said...

Since the last thing I read before I went to sleep was your Coke-y Reese, I laid in bed thinking of other nicknames for Hamilton. Here's what I got...

Matt Coke-s, 1987 Tigers catcher plus an RBI appearance

The Rock, although Tim Raines may still own the trademark to this one

Tyrone Biggums, from Chappelle's Show

Casey Jones (from the Grateful Dead songlyric "Drivin' that train, high on cocaine")

Ghetto D (from P's song about crack) or "Ma ma ma make RAP like this" from the Wal-Mart censored version of the same song

Tats McCokehead, for obvious reasons

big sandwich said...

I commented to Ben that HMW and Sir had already signed Hardcore League contracts to some of the kids shagging flies during Homerun Derby