It's just ... it's just too horrible to type ...
Normally I'll leave most wrasslin news up to The Good Face to post, but any time someone makes it rain on my watch, I feel that I should bring it to your attention.
At the WrestleMania XXIV (yeah, 24...we're old) press conference Monday, Floyd Mayweather decided to please the fans at the Staples Center by making it rain, right before talking some shit about The Big Show. By the way...the Big Slow is back, whoop-de-do.
A month from now, Mayweather will wrestle The Big Slow at WrestleMa...wait...WREEESSSLLLLE-MANIAAAAA!!! It all started at the last WWE pay-per-view when Mayweather apparently broke Big Show's nose fo' real with a right cross. This is the WWE, so some medical reports may not be accurate.
Once again, Vince will bring in an athlete from outside the wrestling world to garner attention and PPV buys. He certainly accomplished that when it was announced that Mayweather will receive 20 MILLION FUCKIN DOLLARS for the match and handful of appearances to build the hype. Once again, this is the WWE, so some financial reports may not be accurate.
But back to the real story here. According to this AP report:
Mayweather incited the couple hundred of already hyped fans at Staples Center by whipping out a thick wad of cash and repeatedly tossing $100, $50 and $20 bills into the crowd that had nearly as many women as men.
A mad scramble ensued, with a light pole nearly getting knocked over and two small children caught in the chaos. One lucky man emerged from the pileup clutching six $100 bills.
That's what you get little kids...that's what you get.
Stuff White People Like. Even though it would more accurately be titled "Stuff Yuppies Like" or "Stuff Hippies Would Like If They Had Money", it's still pretty funny. I take much comfort in the fact that, according to this site, I only enjoy 11 of the 75 things that White People like. Go see how racist you are, you racist.
OK boys, thanks to my buddy Perez Hilton, here's some pictures of his nemesis hanging out at 'Home' Saturday night with her new boyfriend/drug sharer/most recent STD contractor, Benji Madden, the lesser known Madden twin from Good Charlotte (the other, of course, is Joel who used to date Hilary Duff but knocked up Paris' on and off BFF, Nicole Ritchie last year). Still with me? Good.
From the looks of it, she obviously had a blast. (How long did she really stay? 20 minutes?) I'm not sure if this will do anything to put St. Charles, Missouri on the LA/NY club scene, but regardless, I thought it was interesting and would like to hear if anyone was there!
UPDATE: "She's like, the best person everrr."
Future savior of all things holy Pedro Alvarez sat out for a second straight game Sunday.
To Mr. Alvarez, I'd like to say: "Hey! You're making me look stupid. Get out here, Pedro Jerk!"
I can only assume that he's resting up in preparation for a 2008 season that will make Brady Anderson's 1996 campaign look like Aaron Miles' 2007. Keep the faith, Pedro-maniacs.
One of the consequences of being married (other than the non-stop humping -- dry and otherwise) is that you occasionally have to watch shows that your inherent heterosexuality wouldn't otherwise allow. Take, for instance, The Biggest Loser, NBC's weight-loss challenge show. The missus and I have watched this for the last couple seasons -- a bunch of large people doing aerobics and getting yelled at by trainers. Brilliant.
There is an advantage to having to watch this schlock. Occasionally, you spot a girl/woman who, maybe, with the right combination of diet and exercise, could emerge as a hot chick. I call this "hot chick upside."
Old-time scouts would say she has "the good face," and I'd have to agree. As far as tools go, her personality already grades out as plus-plus (not uncommon among girls of her body type), and she has shown the heart and grittiness necessary to reach her potential. That attests to her makeup. One can only imagine that, after a life spent on the hefty side, she's got a chip on her shoulder and something to prove. You can't teach those intangibles.
She projects as a smokin' girl-next-door-type who would get you in trouble for leering too long at her as she soaks some sun in her backyard.
Now, those more focused on what a girl has already achieved (ie, her stats -- height, weight, 40-yard dash time, etc.) won't give this girl another look. That's a failure of imagination. A diamond in the rough like Brittany is what scouting is all about.
College ain’t just about getting drunk, skipping classes, and playing Halo. It’s also about playing the grand old game (sometimes nine innings, sometimes seven) with aluminum bats and a mercy rule, to the general disinterest of 99% of the American population.
Today’s opening day for D-I schools (although my own Drury Panthers have been going at it for a week or two). Mizzou takes on Connecticut at noon. I assume that 2008 MLB draft rising star Aaron Crow will get the start.
But really, this whole season is about one man: Pedro Alvarez. Get to know him.
For all your NCAA baseball needs, go here. I assume at some point they will have a scoreboard up. If not, it’s no wonder that college baseball is far, far behind college hoops and football in the hearts and minds of the American public.
According to the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, Prince Fielder has given up eating meat. Take it away, Anthony Witrado:
It wasn't always this way. Fielder used to enjoy a stacked burger or a juicy steak as much as any carnivore, but a few weeks ago he received a book from his wife, Chanel, that changed his outlook on what he puts in his massive frame. The book described how certain animals are treated and slaughtered for food.
The youngest player to hit 50 home runs in a season was grossed out, so much so that he made his last meaty meal a salmon filet before quitting the animal game on Feb. 3.
The moral of the story: Don't read.
Believe it or not, this Saturday the 23rd, America's Sweetheart Paris Hilton will be in St. Charles. She will be hosting a party at the new Home Nightclub, located at Ameristar Casino.
Because I care about her so much, I have a message for Miss Hilton: I don't think you realize what you're in for. Combine St. Charles casino hoosiers with the regular douchebag party-goers in St. Louis, and it is a lethal combination. I know you deal with tons of d-bags all the time, but this could produce some record numbers. Even though the average annual earnings of the attendees will be $20,000, they'll damn sure be busting out the A-level ensemble come Saturday: iced out chains and watches, spiky hair, the finest untucked striped shirt, and of course...indoor douchebag sunglasses.
I know Paris gets PAID to attend parties like this. What do you think Ameristar put down on this one? 50 or 100 grand? They just had Bret Michaels out there a couple weeks ago, so they are really putting themselves out there as a classy joint.
As I'm typing this, I can hear thousands of conversations going on all over the St. Louis area..."bro, did you hear Paris Hilton is gonna be in town, bro? A buddy told me and it's gonna be a blast bro! I've got to go to the Galleria to pick out some new torn jeans. It's hard to see in here with these sunglasses, plus I can't afford to pay the electric bill, bro, but Paris Freakin' Hilton Bro!! What's that? Yeah, I'll do her! Once she sees me bro, I'll be in her next video in no time bro. Ha Ha. Peace out bro."
I can't imagine Paris staying in St. Louis for more than a few hours, so if the party goes from 9pm to 3 am, I'm guessing she'll be back on the jet by about 11.
See you bros on Saturday...
UPDATE (thursday night): Paris is going to be at the South County Macy's on Saturday at 1pm! Who's going?
This is news from late last week but in case you missed it, our friend Nelly had a little shindig in Vegas to celebrate the 5 year anniversary of Apple Bottom Jeans. I didn't know Schnucks was selling Ass Cakes in the bakery these days.
And where's the tramp stamp? Slackers.
I promise not to post about stuff I saw on TMZ (the televised version) too often, but this was hard to pass up. Sean "Poofy" Combs is being sued by some guy who is upset because he got his ass kicked. And he uses the ol' Pellegrino court defense:
TMZ has obtained a declaration by Combs filed in Los Angeles County Superior Court, explaining the incident (in Diddy's classic words), alleging that Gerald Rechnitzer "continued moving toward me and, without warning, lunged at me. Instinctively, I outstretched one of my hands, which hand was not closed-fisted, to shield myself ... any contact between Mr.Rechnitzer and myself was caused by his forward motion against my stationary open hand."
That's right, HIS FACE RAN INTO MY FIST. Phenominal!
It’s a little-known fact that the Tampa Bay Devil Rays are on the verge of becoming the next great sports dynasty. For those of you who are old enough to remember the early ‘90s, think of them as Nirvana right before Nevermind. With guys like Carl Crawford, Scott Kazmir, B.J. Upton, James Shields, Carlos Pena, and Matt Garza on the roster, and prospects such as Evan Longoria and Reid Brignac in the pipeline, it’s only a matter of time.
Odds are that you aren’t one of the 14 confirmed Devil Rays fans that currently inhabit this mortal coil. I am, however. For at least three months, I’ve been all D-Rays, all the time. Some people apparently are put off by a franchise that hasn't won more than 70 games in any of its first 10 seasons, so there's plenty of room for you on the bandwagon. I’m here to help you blend in.
1. What’s your home page? CNN.com? ESPN.com? Screw that. Here’s your new home page.
2. Anytime Hall of Famer Wade Boggs comes up in conversation, interject with: “You mean former Tampa Bay Devil Ray Hall of Famer Wade Boggs!”
3. Name your first-born son “Aubrey.” Yes, I know it’s a girl’s name.
4. It’s “Devil Rays.” Or “D-Rays.” Only bandwagon-jumping posers call them the Rays. You’re old school.
5. Meet Jonny Gomes: Heavyweight Champion of the World!
6. Anytime Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy” comes on the radio (the frequency of this occurrence depends on your listening/sexual preferences), sing the “on the catwalk” lines with added gusto. With a new ballpark opening as early as 2012, time is running out to make your pilgrimage to the Trop (aka, the House That Fred McGriff Built).
8. Our manager is Joe Maddon. Not John Madden. Joe Maddon cares not for turducken.
9. As the D-Rays’ site boasts, the Trop is the world's only professional sports facility that features a tank full of live cownose rays. One has to wonder why any other sports facility would feel the need to install one. Anyway, the tank is located behind the center field wall. Cross your fingers that, someday, this will happen. No word on whether the rays have frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads or are, at the very least, ill-tempered.
Labels: Next Big Thing
For anyone who read and enjoyed Moneyball, today truly is a sad day. Jeremy “the Badger” Brown has retired. I appreciate the hope he gave us bad-body types and sincerely wish that another team would give him a shot. Maybe even a team that currently has Jason LaRue as its backup catcher.
The A’s have replaced Brown with a catcher so bad that he made Frank Robinson cry. Strange but true: Both Brown and Matt Lecroy were first-round picks.
This may be a shock to some of you, but I'm not much of a "reader." Don't get me wrong, I learned my lessons good at THE Hazelwood West High School and University Of Missouri-St. Louis, but I was never a literary junkie at either one.
Besides the books they made me read, and/or made me buy, I've only purchased one book in my lifetime that I intended to read for fun: a pro wrestling book. Awesome, I know. I am a huge fan of magazines and reading stuff on the internet, which pretty much confirms that I have a short attention span. What?
And there I was last week at Barnes & Noble, buying my second book ever: God Save the Fan, by Will Leitch of Deadspin fame. I read that Will was going to be speaking and signing at the St. Peters B&N on Valentine's Day, so I made preliminary plans to go out and see him (only if all my important plans fell through and none of my many beautiful girlfriends were available that night).
It was a fun night, very entertaining, and you people with your "plans" and "life" can kiss my ass. Hanging out on Valentine's Day with a guy who writes a sports blog, with other people who write sports blogs is way better than whatever crap you did.
To top the night off, across the street from the Barnes & Noble was this. Victory.
And now we move on to my first visit to Champaign for the big hockey/boozin/degenerate weekend. I'll get to stand where prestigious Illini alums like Will Leitch and our very own Tony (Sir) have stood before. Quite an honor. If the courts allow me to speak about it, I'll post a recap on Monday.
[editor's note: This picture was found on Will's flickr page. It's actually in focus, not to mention that it features the Likes To Fight Guy look, which he stole from me, but it also has Will giving the Shock-and-Awe face, which is nice. I'm trying to figure out who Ray Romano had a kid with to produce Will Leitch. Add any suggestions in the comments. -sir]
Labels: brushes with greatness
"Mr. Clemens, according to your account, Mr. McNamee injected your wife in your bedroom without your knowledge."
Hey everyone, I'd like to wish you all a Happy Valentine's Day from the sweetie pies at BertFlex. Believe it or not, some members of this site have convinced actual females to not only put up with our crap, but have serious relationships with us too. What are they thinking, right?
I know women are always looking for ways to get into the male brain and try to figure out what's going on in there. It's not that hard really, but honestly we can't wait for V-Day to be over with and think about more critical things in our lives.
Don't worry, ladies, you still have a gift coming, but here are 5 things that we really love about this time of year (in no particular order):
1) March Madness in T minus 30 days; drunken debauchery follows.
2) Jack in the Box Tacos (not festive, but a staple of any "things we love" list).
3) The weather is almost warm enough for sandlot, wiffleball, and BBQ!
4) Fantasy Freakin' Baseball!
5) Another year of watching this guy mash.
Not surprisingly, "girls in skanky lingerie" barely missed the cut. We're dorks, that's how we roll.
So I'm watching the Grammy's on Sunday and saw that the nominees for "Album of the Year" included one Herbie Hancock. Anybody who grew up in the Chris Farley era knows that the phrase "Herbie Hancock" comes from the movie Tommy Boy, in which Farley responds to David Spade's request "I need your John Hancock..." with "everybody knows it's Herbie Hancock."
All these years I kind of figured Herbie was a real person and not just a funny name made up by the genius of Chris Farley. But here we are in the year 2008 and he wins the freakin' Grammy for Album of the Year over the likes of Kanye West and Amy Winehouse. Congrats to Herbie for finally stepping out of the shadow of being the guy known as a cheesy line in Tommy Boy. I guess.
-Every time I see a photo or video of Ms. Winehouse, I get the hunkerin' for a death pool. She has rapidly climbed the rankings and is now officially the A-Rod of death pools (or is she the Keith Hernandez of our generation, or both?). I think if we ever finalize an idea for the SuperDraft (the all sports fantasy league) we'll have to throw a death pool in there for good measure.
-I'm glad that radio stations aren't in charge of handing out Grammy's, or else the winner list would look like this:
Best New Artist: Soulja Boy
Record of Year: Soulja Boy
Best Collaboration of Anything, Ever: Soulja Boy
Coolest Thing for 14 Year Old White Kids to Dance to: Soulja Boy
-I was really hoping for another Kanye West explosion after Herbie Hancock won for Album of the Year. The music he puts out is good and all, but the shit-talking he does is truly beautiful. Some might call it complaining or bragging, but when the BertFlex Shit-Talky Award ballots are sent out, I'll find his name first and be done.
In case you haven't heard about it, that's a picture of Olie Jokinenon botching the Iron Lotus ("Blades of Glory" reference) last night, with Richard Zednik on the receiving end. From the announcer, "I've never seen that much blood so quickly."
The report from TSN: "Florida Panthers forward Richard Zednik was taken off the ice in Sunday's game against the Buffalo Sabres after taking a skate to his neck. With the Sabres leading 4-3 midway through the third period, linemate Olli Jokinen - who was being checked in the Sabres' zone - fell forward and his skate accidently caught Zednik's neck. Zednik bled profusely from his neck, but was able to skate toward his bench where he was met by the trainer and immediately ushered to the locker room."
Zednik underwent successful surgery last night and is resting comfortably this morning. He is listed in stable condition.
Firsthand account from Deadspin poster KellyHelene: "I was at the game, sitting right by the spot where he was hit. If you ever have opportunity to sit with 18,000 people in a single room who are all wondering if they just saw a man's last moments, well... I'd pass on the expierence. They couldn't even get all the blood off the ice. The game really shouldn't have gone on."
My question after watching the video and looking at the stills, how the FUCK did he skate over to the bench after that?!?! Well, time for lunch!
UPDATE: a photo that really captures the situation....check out the reactions of the fans...
Here is the official website for the National Cattlemen's Foundation Collegiate Beef Quiz Bowl. That's right... I said BEEF QUIZ BOWL... as in Quiz Bowl, topic: BEEF! How such a spectacular event escaped our collective recognition is beyond me. It all went down this past weekend in Nashville, TN; a perfect place for the Beef Quiz Bowl. Those might be my favorite words in the english language right now... Beef. Quiz. Bowl.
From the website: "The students answer a series of questions about all aspects of beef cattle and the beef industry. The range of questions can include physiology, nutrition, reproduction, meat science, basic production information, and current events affecting the beef industry." There's a Meat Science?!?! Why didn't I major in this instead of this stupid computer stuff?
THE Penn State University escaped with a narrow and hard fought victory (not really, I'm trying to make it sound exciting) over Michigan State, Texas A&M and Utah State. I think the Big Ten's slogan next year should be "Eff football, WE KNOW BEEF!"
And now... my favorite part of the entire website... check out the Michigan State squad... ... yes, I know it's probably not nearly as awesome as I'm imagining, but quit ruining my fantasy you jerks! Any team of chicks that can make the Final Four of the Beef Quiz Bowl is alright with me.
Once again, I'll spare you any expert analysis, since you can go to a credible website and have the X's and O's broken down for you. Here are my Super Bowl notes:
-The commercials were terrible overall. The Will Ferrell one was top notch though. A couple others were good, but nobody really brought the funny this year. Angelina Jolie brought the "damn" in the Wanted trailer.
-So when I spoke to Tony during halftime, I said that I was still able to walk around and function naturally. After a productive second half, I am no longer able to do that. GBC is still the undefeated champion of desserts (GBC/Desserts = '72 Dolphins/Football = Josh Lohnes/Drinking).
-Another year, another 0-fer in the squares games. And I would have lost a billion dollars if I bet on the game. I would have gladly given 11.5 points and gone all in on the Patriots. This is case #761581 why it's good that I don't bet on football.
-I really really wish the Giants would have tried to score on the last play with 1 second left. I hate Tom Coughlin almost as much as Belichick, and I thought he was a big enough d-bag to do it. I know coach Pellegrino agrees with me (who I'm sure would go for 2 with no time left and a thousand people on the field).
-3/4 of the game sucked, but it was a stellar 4th quarter. However, any time I see a highlight of the Scott Norwood miss (SB25), along with the Vinatieri make (SB36), I automatically have to label this the worst televised program in the history of the universe. I hate you FOX, I hope you die.
-Tom Brady, you suck...but you're still a winner in "Life."
Dat is not FlexTime
How to have a great night:
1.) Play in a poker tournament ($25 buy-in) where the beer, soda, and CHILI DOGS are included.
2.) Finish 3rd in said tournament (of 126) and win $100
3.) Enjoy a victory sack of White Castles at 1:30 AM because you're the fuckin' poker master.
Hello ladies and gentlemen, Happy New Year and welcome to another installment of the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report, your premier source for fantasy baseball opinions. Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert will check the mailbag and answer all your fantasy questions. We have picked five more questions this month, so hopefully yours will get answered. If you're lucky, Tony might call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).
Keeping up with our pals at yahoo.com and cbssportsline.com, here is a badass picture of Tony, the "Touchdown Jesus" of Illini hockey.
Ah, Hey-Zeus. I like him very much. But he no help with hockey. I ask Headbanger to come. Take fear from hockey sticks. I offer him KFC and Taco Bell. He will come.
1. Erik (STL) - A penny for your thoughts on Rickie "Be Rickie" Weeks?
Everyone has been telling me for years that this is the year Sticky Weeks is going to blow up the world. And yes, Brewers Guy, I know you think he was the greatest college second baseman EVAR. To that, I say... well I say many things, such as "There's plenty of great college second basemen out there... they're called SHORTSTOPS!" and "You must don't know nuthin bout second base. Mashin' Marshall MacDougal is the greatest second baseman in the history of the universe." In conclusion, Icky Weeks is shitty until he shows me otherwise.
2. C. Utley (Philly) - Hey Tony, remember when 2B was just me and poopy guys like Adam Kennedy and Aaron Miles? Who are your top 5 second basemen for the '08 season? Any sleepers?
Wow, is this the Second Base Show or something? Fine, Mud Buttley, I'll humor you.
Official Who's Shitty second base rankings:
1) Chase Utley
2) B.J. Upton
3) Robbie Cano
4) Brian Roberts (a trade to the Cubs makes him #2)
5) Brandon Phillips
I think Kinsler can put together a solid full season this year and I'm excited to see what Matt Antonelli, the kid from SD, can do. Kelly Johnson is another nice young player.
3. jeremy (stl) - tony i know i asked you this question like last year or something but i thought since this isa new season and there are new rankings and players and other factors what do you think of this years closers is valverde going to be effective in houston or cordero in cincy who are the new japanese relevers i havent heard of any of them and mariano rivera is old but still better option than lidge and maybe izzy repeats his 2007 season
God Damnit Jeremy, could you once use some punctuation or I'll be forced to use some punch-you-ation! Ok, let's see if I can play "Crack the Code" with this horribly worded question:
Valverde goes from one hitter's park to another but expect an increase in his HR Rate; never good for a closer. Houston is way worse than Zona so his saves will drop. Cordero is going to get bombed in Cincy so don't overpay expecting a repeat of last year. No new Japs are going to be gaining closing jobs, but Yasuhiko Yabuta (KC) could get a shot if Soria falters.
I've never been a big Mariano guy and I don't think the Yankees are going to be a playoff team this year so beware. Lidge moves to a slightly better park and a much better team, so I'm willing to label him a high-risk sleeper. Izzy issy whaty he issy (3.25 ERA, 28-32 Sv), though the Cards are only going to win 72 games this season so beware.
Official Who's Shitty closer rankings:
1) Joe Mama Nathan
2) Jonny Papelbon
3) J.J. Putz
4. Celebrity Sighting (where the celebrities are, duh) - I recently saw Anthony Reyes at the Clayton Chipotle. Would he be as valuable to my fantasy team serving spicy burritos as he would be pitching for the Cards?
This is such a loaded question... why is he eating at Chipotle when he's got all that scratch? Why is he in Clayton when he's going to spend 2008 in Memphis? Can you really put a price on someone serving you spicy burritos?
Okay, enough filloffosizing... The A-Train will never do dick in a Cardinals jersey. I hate that I have to say that because A-Train is my dogg. LaDuncan have ruined this kid and made sure that he will never succeed in this organization because he's a strikout guy that they're making "pitch to contact."
Here's a hint, Cardinals BrainTrust, I've never seen a seeing-eye strikeout. K's are good. The fact that the club high in K's in a game last season was 8 should tell you what you're doing wrong. It's been proven time and time again that a pitcher has little control over what happens to a baseball that stays in the park after it's been hit. Learn some damn math and come out of the dark ages. Groundballs with this infield are not a good thing. Flyballs with this outfield are not a good thing. K's are still good, no matter who is playing the field.
Fuck pitching to contact. Fuck LaDuncan. Fuck John Mozelak for not trading Reyes to Cleveland this offseason. Get him the hell out of this organization and let him throw somewhere that appreciates strikeouts. I hear the A's have a rotation spot open now that Danny Haren is a D-Back...
5. shaun (THE hazelwood west high school) - Tony, i'd kind of like to rent the movie "Good Luck Chuck" in order to confirm how hot Jessica Alba is. Unfortunately Dane Cook "stars" in the movie as well. What do i do?
You see, Shaun, the internet was invented because Jessica Alba is hot. Since it was created precisely for this situation, the internet is the best way to confirm said hotness.
You get to see Jessica Alba pictures.
Pictures don't require you to listen to her or Dang Cook.
My message is clear. Thank you, Al Gore, for this beautiful miracle of the internets.
If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to email@example.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years (none recently), so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.
Labels: Who's Shitty