Bet you thought I had forgotten about this soon-to-be BertFlex mainstay, didn't you?
LSJ decided to take a couple extra days off, but it's cool baby - we here.
Our big four day weekend is almost over, so we decided a light week of linx should be in order. Get off the computer and enjoy the rest of your Sunday.
-This week's insideSTL article recaps Crush Drunkan's Skanksgiving plans. Fuckin' gametime. (Unfortunately I didn't put the word "SATIRE" in blinking lights for one of the commenters. I do appreciate them reading the article and I'll take the Drew Magary comp as a compliment though.)
And in case you missed this part of the Thanksgiving Day parade on NBC (which you should have slept through), play the video below:
On my journey to discover the end of the internet, aka 'Operation See How Many Times I Can Watch The Honduran Version Of 2 Girls 1 Cup', I found the ad for a motivational speaker that looks
a weeee bit exactly like Star Trek's George Takei.
I realize Takei is for the gays and prefers to play Who's In My Mouth?, but the dude has more money than me, and may or may not be going as an alias: Rich Dad.
Here's where you can insert the 'Every Asian looks the same' joke.
Happy Skanksgiving everyone! I think we've gone over this unofficial/official holiday before (including the Skanksgiving Miracle of '06), so we won't rehash anything you already know.
Early reports tell me that the BertFlex crew will be at the Steve Ewing show later tonight at the Tin Can. We haven't seen him in a while. He's also playing with Gravity Kills earlier in the night, but tickets are $25. What year is this?
After the show, we'll probably be up to the usual - going to White Castle, playing poker or Wii at BFHQ, being gassy and offensive, and passing out in a pile of 20 year old skanks.
Okay I lied about one thing - we're never offensive (at least in our opinion).
The Bacon Gods have spoken to us again, this time suggesting that we try the ultimate in yummy bacon goodness: The Turbaconducken.
Bacon Today once again raises the bar on how to include bacon in normal food (damn right a Turducken is normal), and they show you the step-by-step process on how to make the most lethal dead bird on the face of the earth. Check out the finished product:
Feel free to forward that link to mom and tell her to get to work. She's going to have to cook this thing throughout Wednesday night in order to feed our fat stomachs on Thursday.
Or for another Turducken idea, try this:
So far it looks like it's going to be "Mail It In Week" here at the B-Flex. Fortunately the guys at We Suck Productions (yes, it's a real thing) put forth enough effort for all of us by making this video:
There are actually a lot more Lego videos out there on YouTube, and I see that this one was added in summer 2006. Good to see we're on top of things around here.
It's science: People are more afraid of speaking in public than they are of dying in a bizarre gardening accident. If only we all had the ka-RAZ-ma and swagger of some of pro wrestling's greatest stick-workers (wait a second, that didn't come out right ... that's what she said).
Missa Bauwaaaaahh is back. If you're cool, you'll come to the big viewing party at BFHQ Sunday night. It wouldn't surprise me if Jack Bauer saving little kids in Africa gets boring, but we're all willing to give 24 a chance again. The backup plan will be watching Sir play DDR with his feets o' fury. Be there!
Hey, here's a hot cup of linx for your Friday pleasure:
-This week on insideSTL I gank an idea from Big Head's think tank (that sounds - and is - dirty) by listing out MLB's Free Agents as desserts.
-The Tigers will be wearing gold uni's for the kU game. Also, there are two - count 'em TWO - k.u.chebags posts this week.
-Two more posts from The Good Face over on Baseball Digest Daily. First one is about his mock draft (wait, isn't it November 21st?) and the other is some more bashing on the Milwaukee writer whose name doesn't matter anymore.
-Head on over to Dr. Pepper's website on Sunday and print out a billion million coupons for free soda (it's the first positive contribution Guns N Roses has ever made to society).
-A sorry goodbye to firejoemorgan.com. If we weren't so lazy, or sucky, we'd gladly fill those shoes.
-But a welcome back (from a one-week hiatus at least) to our broskies over at Cardinals Diaspora. Make sure you go to CardsDiaspora.com now, since the old domain is now owned by the commi bastards of the USSR (also check out athooks meeting Bert at a classy funkshun last week).
-I got 12 of 15 on this Saved by the Bell quiz, and I'm still a little disappointed.
If anyone out there is crazy enough to believe that bacon is just an accent meat, the Hog Pit in New York begs to differ.
Candied Bacon with Whipped Cream:
My head is nodding in approval. The "recipe" is in that link, so I expect BFHQ's resident chef (the Mad Librarian) to have this on my desk by noon today.
technically they say it's a dessert, but we now know that a person can order a bowl full of bacon somewhere, so the owners of the Hog Pit are my new heroes
As previously reported by the Mad Librarian, Dustin Pedroia (pictured) walked away with the 2008 AL MVP Award earlier today. My intention is not to debate the worthiness of this selection. Rather, I present a fabulous opportunity for sports immortality.
The Baseball Writers’ Association of America has announced its selection of Red Sox 2B Dustin Pedroia as the American League’s Most Valuable Player for 2008.
I hate to be dramatic, but this is sort of ruining my life. When I first heard the news, I didn’t understand the straits I’m in. I said to myself -- self, I said -- Pedroia is the sort of scrappy Aryan posterboy old people and baseball journalists love, and there’s no use getting het up about it. Then I turned my mind to more important matters, like whether it’s OK for a 20-something to wear flannel pajamas if she’s really, really cold at night.
But shortly thereafter HMW sent an e-mail that bitch-slapped my blinders off. “I don't mind when random guys get a vote or two here and there at the bottom,” he wrote. “But Dustin Pedroia? MVP? I'm not sure how we'll explain this to future generations.”
That’s right, someday I’ll have to sit my children down to explain the Age of Baseball Unreason, when scrappiness outweighed awesomeness: Yes, Dustin Pedroia was our 2008 AL MVP, with a solid but certainly not outstanding season. Yes, your mother let her unhealthy obsession with Jason LaRue’s dirty ‘stash lead her to rejoice when the St. Louis Cardinals resigned him for the 2009 season. Yes, some people preferred David Eckstein to Albert Pujols, and we were not allowed to make them use separate baseball facilities.
My only recourse: no children. And really, how could I even think of bringing them into this screwed-up pro-Bo-Hart world? So it looks like I’m going to die alone in Delmar Gardens, most likely while drafting an angry letter to Sound Off. Thanks, BBWAA. Thanks a lot.
Albert Pujols, namesake of this here blog, won the 2008 NL MVP today -- despite the aforementioned Haudricourt giving him a seventh-place vote.
With the Cardinals finishing fourth, I voted Pujols seventh on my ballot. I don’t consider MVP to be “the most outstanding player” award and therefore don’t just go by who had the best stats. I like to credit players for lifting their teams to the post-season or at least keeping them in the race until the very end.
I understand that the Cardinals would not have been even close to the wild-card berth without Pujols, but I still like players who elevate their game in crunch time and lift their teams to new heights. And I thought Ryan Ludwick had just as much to do with keeping the Cards in the hunt as Pujols did. (Editor's Note: Did no one send Haudricourt a link to this fine piece of sportz jerrnalizm?)
(there's no reason to try to come up with a useful title for this article, so that's the best I can give you)
Every so often I get called out on my habit of watching TMZ. I've actually only been watching once or twice a week lately (if that), so I decided to flip it on last night to see what's going on in celebrities-being-stalked-by-paparazzi news.
Some dude at TMZ must be a wrasslin' freak because every so often they run into a wrestler from the 80s. Believe it or not, the wrestlers tend to make jackasses of themselves. Take for instance the Iron Sheik, who cut a badass promo on Hulk Hogan as he walked into LAX airport a couple days ago. I love the fact that he's wearing his own shirt.
According to the internet, the Sheik is only 65 years old. It's got to be the first time the internet has been wrong about anything. Not buying it.
The best part was when he finally shut up and went on his way...in a wheelchair.
He ranted for five minutes about kicking Hogan's ass, then got rolled away by possibly a nurse who was about to change his Depends. TMZ included that part at the end of this video. Side note: I bet there are some Charlie Murphy/Rick James stories about Hogan and the Sheik.
In other entertainment and gross jersey news, I caught this while on my hunt for Barry Weinberg pics at the CMA Awards:
The savvy National(!) Football(!) League(!) fans out there will poop their pants in excitement because Kid Rock is wearing a kicker's jersey (Rob Bironas). Unfortunately, the replay booth shows that it says "Kid Rock" on the nameplate. I kind of figured that since Kid Rock is a big douche and all, plus the #2 is fitting.
Oh, and I have no idea why the fuck Lil Wayne was there just to hold a guitar (he plays a mean air guitar though - video here if you care).
Earlier on Thursday, I took a well-deserved break from work and decided to check out the ol' internet. I came across a thread in Bernie's Pressbox regarding Cardinal trainer Barry Weinberg and how he was in the second row of the Country Music Awards last night. This sounded pretty random, so I checked the message board over at insideSTL to get a second opinion. The fine ladies and gents (well, the six or seven who watched the 2008 CMA's) over there also mentioned they saw Weinberg in the crowd. Neither site could provide visual evidence, though I did get stuck "reading" the chicks in bikinis with big boobs thread for a while.
After a little deeper investigating and 6,000 sites later, I found it. Maybe I'm the only one who finds Barry Weinberg at the Country Music Awards funny:
He's got seats right behind Kenny Chesney. Full video here, right around the 1:35 mark.
Evidently Barry F'n Weinberg is more important than we thought. He knows how to get hooked up at all the star-studded events. He probably banged a couple chicks later and gave them a lesson on plantar fasciitis.
Okay, maybe you don't find this funny, that's cool. But if you don't mind me stirring up a little muck real quick, when replaying this video to get a screenshot, I was able to notice something else. I analyzed Weinberg's movements like he analyzed Mark Mulder's arm being in perfect condition this past summer (at least for 16 pitches).
Weinberg goes in for the handshake and - NOPE. Denied by Chesney! That bastard!
What gives Kenny? You have Carpenter in your keeper league? You jealous that Rick Ankiel puts on cowboy hats and gets more tail than you - pretending to be you? Like he needs the help. Have you seen the women at Hrabosky's at 1 am?
Go ahead and keep winning your silly awards Chesney. Barry Weinberg will be in that first row seat soon enough. Possibly winning awards with duet partner Kent Bottenfield some day?
Hello ladies and gentlemen welcome to the anniversary week installment of the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report, your premier source for fantasy baseball knowledge. Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert will check the mailbag and answer all your fantasy questions. We have picked five more questions, so hopefully yours will get answered. If you're lucky, Tony might call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the BertFlex glossary).
1. T-Ferg (meat gazing at Whole Foods Market) - Who’s a sleeper pick to be the next semi-hot politician in the tradition of Sarah Palin and Dolly Madison?
This is like picking a death pool sleeper; it should be someone who has no business being put in the position to actually win (kinda like Palin). My honest answer is that it will be a while before we see another semi-hot politician so you might do good scouting your local College Republicans club or watch and see who The Barack "keeps around" the Oval Office (besides Oprah).
Side note: if you were Barack, would you get divorced right now? Think of the tail he could pull! I think, for the good of the country, he should get rid of what's-her-face, put Hef on the cabinet and make the White House the new Playboy Mansion. That alone could pull us out of the recession. Do it now, Barack, for your country.
And yeah, I didn't really answer your question. That's because you're too busy getting your swell on at the gym to actually do anything cool or fun. You also don't think Dolly Madison is hot because she has too many carbs. Busted.
2. Julie (St. Chuck) - I’m considering trying out the make-believe baseball in 2009. What should I do in the offseason to train?
Step 1 - Don't trust your instincts.
Step 1a - Use someone else's projections, like a magazine or Baseball Prospectus.
Step 2- Keep up with offseason transactions.
Step 3 - When drafting a hitter, ask HMW for advice. When drafting a pitcher, ask Maltliquorman. They will both lie to you, but that's ok; their lies are probably better than what you were going to do anyway.
Step 4 - Make sure whoever's running the league gets your money before the season starts. Maybe this should be step 1.
Step 5 - Don't worry, even if you draft the worst team of all-time, you won't finish last; that's Big Sandwich's job.
3. Cabeza Grande ('86 Cutty) - Jake Peavy to the Cubs? Am I fucked if I kept JP in a keeper league now? Does he gain value if he went to the Braves?
Remember that Peavy gets a HUGE boost from Petco and playing in the NL West. He was actually fairly average last season so expect a bit of a rebound. Overall, he'll get more wins with the Cubs but his rate stats will jump. I see a move to the Braves as a lateral move unless they improve that team. Cubs is actually your best option.
My proj: 16-8, 3.15, 210Ks with the Cubs, 14-11, 2.95, 190Ks with the Braves / Padres.
4. Dr. Kenneth Noisewater (San Di-ago) - I noticed there is a fellow on your "contributors" list named Maltliquorman. Who is he and why doesn't he write anything? Seriously - Any. Thing.
Maltliquorman was abducted by aliens about the time he moved out of his parents' house. We haven't really noticed because he never hung out before that anyway. Plus he didn't check his email or fantasy teams before the abduction either. Last we heard from him, he was once again moving into an apartment with a female who he was not nailing. You'd think he would have learned his lesson by now but obviously not. Hopefully the aliens return him in time for the fantasy baseball season; I could use the money.
5. shaun (the westside) - T, we like our lists 'round here. What are your top five fondest memories from the bertflex.com era?
1. '07-'08 Illini Hockey undefeated season
2. '06 World Series
3. Starting the Hardcore League
4. Moving away from all you assholes to take a job in baseball
4a. Moving back home after finding out that everywhere else sucks
5. College World Series trips
I guess it says a lot about me that my top event from the last 3 years is collegiate club hockey. It might say even more that starting a fantasy league also made the list. I'll still put my list up against anyone who reads this blog, since you're all losers too.
If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to email@example.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years and gets paid to analyze baseball players, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.
For previous versions of "Who's Shitty" click the tag below.
Labels: Who's Shitty
Here's an anniversary edition of LSJ, mixing some new stuff with some must-see extras (even if you don't laugh, it'll help you understand 1/5 of the dorky things we reference).
-This week's insideSTL article, in which I admit that I actually have faith in the Cardinal front office. I'll probably be looking dumb in about three months. Well, dumber than normal.
-TGF gives his baseball awards predictions. So far, so good. (My prediction: Pain)
-Big Head is in the market for a new car over at Mizzourah.
-OMG is shuttin' er down. Lucky for you, the ML is concentrating on drinking more Crown Royal and Bert Flexin'...hopefully at the same time.
-Lesbian friend of the site Lindsay Lohan calls it like she sees it. Ha ha, Rinsay Ro-han!
And a few classics, 'round these parts-a-town:
-Samuel L. Jackson Beer (Mmm mmm bitch)
-Russell Crowe Fightin' Round the World
-Oops, I hope that wasn't steroids
And breaking news on the bacon front, check out the Bacon Scented Bacon Print Tuxedo! Holy shit, this is awesome. I expect Hack to wear this for his next trial.
Link here. Go ahead and click "Add to Cart" if you like disappointments.
A Miami-Dade jury has awarded almost $1.2 million to a 21-year-old man hit in the groin by a batting-cage pitch.Cardinals who would have been better off getting hit in the nuts this season:
The jury decided last week that the Sluggers batting cage operation at Tamiami Park in West Miami-Dade negligently failed to properly supervise its employees.
Lhyvann Felipe, who was 19 years old at the time, was hit in the groin by a 60 mph pitch, said his attorney, Gabriel M. Sanchez. He was hospitalized several days later.
The ball struck him after an employee asked him to go back into the batting cage to help pick up the balls. (Editor's Note: Hah.)
Randy Flores $1,000,000
Todd Wellemeyer $1,000,000
Rick Ankiel $900,000
Jason LaRue $850,000
Adam Wainwright $687,500
Ron Villone $600,000
Chris Duncan $439,000
Brad Thompson $414,000
Ryan Ludwick $411,000
Tyler Johnson $398,000
Skip Schumaker $396,000
Brendan Ryan $393,000
Anthony Reyes $392,500
Brian Barton $390,000
Josh Kinney $390,000
Kyle McClellan $390,000
Rico Washington $390,000
The dirty shirt party has come and gone, and I neglected to make any of your disgusting ideas into a T-shirt because it was much, much easier to order this off the Internets and save my energy for knocking back a chocolate-syrup shot cut with a little bit of vodka (to reduce viscosity, natch).
Matzo is rather insistent on knowing who would have won the T-shirt contest were I not so lazy; apparently he's got the I-wants for a McRib. (Or, more likely, this is another example of his overly competitive nature.) The winner is in fact Matzo, who recommended I rock a "You make my decimal system Dewey" T. I owe you something mediocre, chief, like another 20 years of my friendship.
As for the other guests, I particularly enjoyed the pregnant chick wearing a "So easy a caveman could do me" T-shirt, but I think HMW's Leonard Little jersey caused the most discomfort among guests.
HMW note: I drove home that night - really well in fact. I don't think I ran anyone over, but who pays attention to that stuff?
'Twas a simple time back in 2005. Mark Mulder had high hopes for a big '06 season. We were still giddy over the critically-acclaimed "1 Night in Paris." And most importantly, a group of dorks decided to start their own blog, writing about random stuff going on in their life and the sports world.
Back then we laid out the odds of hooking up with the newly-single Jessica Simpson. Now that we are all high-profile bloggers, Jessica wishes she was hooking up with us. (And who's to say she hasn't? Though she is younger than Big Sandwich, so we know he hasn't sealed the deal)
Back then we hustled little kids in basketball. Well...we still do that today, but the money pays for things like the electric bill or furniture.
But no matter how things have changed over the years, we hope that we've made a difference in your lives. Think to yourself - is your life better because of Bert Flex?
Fuckin' right it is!
We've opened your eyes to tons of cool products, news and information (mostly about bacon, fake breasts, & combinations of the two), funny videos, and a bunch of other crap that would be a pure waste of time for 99.9% of the rest of the internet to talk about.
Think of the progress you've made in the past three years - that's all because of us! You at least owe us some cookies, but probably more like a steak or two.
What I'm really trying to do is pat ourselves on the back for a job well done. And since I don't plan on writing one more sappy sentence this week, I'd just like to say thanks to our contributors, and thanks to our loyal readers.
We've got more junk coming throughout the rest of the week. Stay tuned!
In part II of what may become a series of sexual innuendo-laced Vaseline ads at the top of espn.com, we get to know what makes Chase Utley one of the best players in the Majors today:
Working his body and working his skin? Alright, you guys aren't even trying to be discreet about it now. Come on!
November 15th marks the three year anniversary of bertflex.com. In 2005, I kicked it off with a bang by saying this:
mark this date on yo' calendars: nov. 15, 2005. bert wins the mvp and bertflex.com is up and running. i'm in, tp's in, the 314 and 618 is gonna take over. as a wise man once said, "it's not my job to stop me." and you won't...
That was from my days of being a cocky young blogger who focused on shit-talking and using lowercase letters as opposed to the present, where it's all about the serious journalism and boobies.
If you click on that November 2005 link, you'll see we began the site with the above post, followed by ones about Eddie Guerrero's death, the Blues' draft pick possibilities, Mark Madsen, and Sir's college football rankings. They don't call us the best in the business for nothin'. Luckily that lack of focus hasn't continued throughout the years or anything...
This week we'll post our normal crap, and have some reflections on how we went from a measly six readers (ourselves) on day one of bertflex.com to the staggering eleven readers that we have today! We hold each and every one of you near and dear to our hearts. There may have been some technical difficulties for most of 2007, but we won't let that get in the way of having fun.
If you were dorky enough to stay up and keep track of the 2008 World Series of Poker, you heard a great run by St. Louisan Dennis Phillips, who finished third last night (technically today) a little after 2:30 am local time. Phillips began the day as the chip leader and got hit hard early on, going from a little over 26 million in chips to under five million in the span of a half hour. Phillips folded both hands before the river, so we'll have to wait until ESPN airs it on Tuesday to find out if he made the right decision or not.
Congrats to the 53 year old Phillips, who takes home $4.5 million (most of which will pay the bills on his 300+ person entourage to Vegas). InsideSTL provided a bunch of Phillips-related updates and pics throughout the day, and I'm sure they will have more on Monday and Tuesday. But keep in mind the Post-Dispatch says there is some racy content on that site, so you've been warned.
As mentioned before, ESPN will show the final table in their two hour show on Tuesday night. If I was dorky enough to listen to this crap all day, I might as well watch it too.
One highlight that I'll share with you is the post-elimination interview with Chino Rheem. After finishing 7th, Chino was interviewed by Maria Ho (that name is too good to be true) and the following exchange ensued:
M-Ho: Um, that was a brutal beat on the biggest stage in all of poker. How does that feel?
Rheem: It feels like shit. What do you want me to say?
Good job girl. Watch it for yourself here. Seeing her squirm in embarrassment is pretty funny to me, but I'm a jerk. Or maybe I just hate dumb reporters who ask dumb questions.
Back to the point - congrats to Dennis, who seems like one of the nicest people on the planet to go along with being a damn good poker player. If only we were charitable with all the revenue we generate from this site. To our credit, $4.5 million is slightly higher than $0.
(So you just read this poker column. How do you feel?)
Only two posts this week? Two God Damn posts? Blame Sir for making us be slackers, among all the other things he should be blamed for (terrorism, global warming, Taco Bell employees at the 270/Dorsett location being overworked, etc).
-This week's insideSTL article, is aboot pitching, eh?
-Mizzourah always has k.u.chebags on Fridays, but how about a Kansas State version (k.s.u.chebag)?
-Guess who's bizack? TGF has a new gig - check out his article about one Alllllbert Pujolz.
-Annie Fresh did a much better job live-blogging the election than us. Blame Sir for that too.
-And be sure to track Dennis Phillips' progress at the WSOP final table on Sunday.
And hey, a little side note: next week we'll be celebrating our three year anniversary (officially on November 15th, but since that's a Saturday, we're probably going to be partying that night and not click clacking on a computer). We've got a few things lined up already, so be sure to check out the festivities all week. One would assume it'll be more than two posts, but we've been sucking pretty bad for three years. Why stop now?
1:12 - Poker game broke out. Were we doing something here?
8:56 - Sir, Hack, and the entire staff of Fox News are sinking into a depression.
8:44 - Rudy Giuliani will be joining us in a few minutes. Stand by. -hmw
8:29 - Fox News reporter Carl Cameron just said "tough road to hoe." Hah.
8:23 - I'm wearing a Bacon Salt hat. That's right. -hmw
8:19 - They're calling Ohio, so looks like game o-v-e-r. Guitar Hero time?
8:11 - I've been waiting since 2004 to bring up this awesome Photoshop work again. It ran on the front of CNN.com on Election Day for about 10 minutes, until someone there recovered a modicum of sense.
8:00 - We've got pizza, chiiips, and the election mix on the satellite. So far, looks like we haven't learned from our mistakes in calling states early in 2000, Hack is already visibly in a mild rage, and Sir has the I-wants for an election board.
Labels: live blogs
If you're still undecided on who to vote for today, and you need advice from a respectable blog, you've come to the right place.
You may or may not agree with Barack Obama's plans, policies, agendas, etc...but we can all agree that boobs on the internet should be looked at as often as possible. And if there is no "Boobs For McCain" website, we should be thankful for "Boobs For Barack" (NSFW).
It's actually a little disappointing that the site was started on April 10th (according to godaddy.com), and they've only managed to post 37 racks for Ba-rack (ha ha, see how funny I am?). On the surface this is pretty weak - until you see pic #3. That wins.
We may or may not do a little live-blogging tonight, we'll see how it goes. Our projections say there will be a strong party going on at BFHQ, so make your reservations now.
Also an early congrats to Thomas P. Kennedy for winning the Second Plymouth and Bristol District in the Massachusetts State Rep. race. Well, assuming at least one person votes for him since he's running uncontested. And we'll have to assume some jokah votes fah Papah-bahn in the write-in bawx, so two or three votes should do the trick.
I'm still not sure why I haven't scrapped this blogging crap in favor of living the high life with my cousins up in Hyannisport. You guys are lucky I love you so much.
Getting back on track: have some more boobs (also NSFW - but it's Keeley Hazell, come on. By the way, we've turned into a hardcore porn site so gradually, I hardly noticed).